Spring is here, and that means that its time to flip over the wardrobe. When it comes to fashion, I consider myself a bit of a savant. I layer like a motherfucker, (because I don’t check the weather before going outside), and have a wardrobe as versatile as my sexuality. Like many other guys in their twenties, my bank account isnt quite thick with 3 c’s enough to have the amount of fashionable items that one would desire. Through this struggle, I rely on what I call staple pieces. Like the 4 in my phone that I conveniently only communicate with past 2 am, my staple pieces are my “go to”. The only difference is my clothes don’t have chlamydia (as per my yearly physical 8/2/16, whats up ladies I’m clean). Anyway, here are some of my go to staple pieces that I think every man should own this spring:
1. New Balance Sneakers (purchased pre-2012)
I’ve been wearing the same pair of new balances since junior year of high school, and since then a few things have happened
- Lost my virginity (twice)
- Figured out how to only eat carbs and not get fat (just lowkey thiccc)
The point is my NB’s give off a big time sex vibe, and sex sells. It puts asses in seats (among other things). If Ron Jeremy had a pair of Jordan’s they would look like my 574’s. I walk in a room and its like I have two mandingos on my feet.
2. Hanes Underwear
Lots of talk recently about Calvin Klein and Polo underwear, and how they’re the golden boys for banana hammocks. Get the fuck out of my face with that. Calvin Klein? The only man I let brace my waist with his name is Jesus, and that’s because he’s all around me (then again, he might not be real so idk). Excuse the awful pun, but my Hanes underwear have been through some shit. I’m just not a fan of having pretty boy underwear. I want my underwear to have character. Joe sixpack mentality. The type of underwear that works a 9-5, comes home and nukes its dinner. That’s the underwear that I want. That I deserve.
3. A Four Loko
Admittedly this can be categorized as more of an accessory, but it can really transform an entire outfit, so I think its worth talking about. When your in this wild odyssey that us mortals call life, you have to stand out, separate yourself from the competition, and prove your worth. A Four Loko just does that. Think of the party you were at this weekend. What did you see, lots of bud light, some fireball? Sounds gay (like in a bad at sports way). You walk into any type of function with a Four Loko people treat you differently. You instantly become a huge asset. A spark plug of some sorts. Some would even go as far as saying you become a wildcard. You mix that loko in with some new balances and hanes you’re gonna have some child support to pay in 9 months. Save up handsome.