I try not to hate people, but I don’t try that hard. I have some enemies. Actually a good amount of enemies. Enough enemies that I have compiled a list. An enemy list. The list is ever changing, as I make new foes, or make well with past nemesis. The list as of today, March 28th, 2017 goes as follows:
1. Jimmy Johns
I once sat in a Jimmy Johns for 3 hours, and I use no hyperbole when I say they were possibly the worst 3 hours of my life. Jimmy Johns fucking sucks. I ordered a seemingly basic ham and cheese sub and what I got in return was absolutely horrifying. Stale bread with a single piece of ham, and a single piece of cheese. It was an assault on the sandwich community. Something that would keep a Subway Sandwich Artist up at night. For those who have never been Jimmy Johns, I envy you. Your world is a bit brighter than mine. Don’t let them take that away from you. Please. Fuck Jimmy Johns.
2. Buffalo Wild Wings’ Blazing Hot Wing Challenge
Everyone knows I don’t back down from a food challenge. I’ve eaten countless hotdogs in one whole bite in 7/11’s across the country, have attempted to eat 100 munchkins (ate 52), and can eat a full large pizza at thermonuclear speed. I’ve earned my stripes. I’ve been around the block. Paid my dues to the greats; the ones who didn’t make it back. Who didn’t live to tell the tale. I was almost one of them. The Buffalo Wild Wings’ Blazing Hot Wing Challenge almost ruined my life.
It was a Sunday afternoon when I first walked into BWW, determined, youthful, and naive. I confidently demanded the wing challenge, not knowing what would happen next. I was then brought out 8 wings, that smelled like the breathe of 1000 demons. I wasn’t scared. Though the minute I dove in I knew it was over. I only finished 2/8, a sad performance. With literal tears and sweat coming down my cheeks, I accepted my defeat. I am Buffalo Wild Wings bitch. Buffalo Wild Wings is my daddy. Spank me daddy.
3. “Car Guys”
Car guys are the worst. The guys who don’t stop bragging about being able to drive stick. The guys who have their car model and year in their social media bio. Like it impresses anyone. Like they’re gonna woo a girl and sweep her off her feet by picking her up in their 2008 scion with a body kit and sick sound system. Just chill out, man. I drive a 2007 Hyundai Elantra, and it literally does the exact same thing that your car does. Gas on the right, brake on the left, four wheels and a steering wheel, just like yours. I’m all about function. Get me to point A to point B. I have deals to close.
4. “Friends” (the tv show)
Most over hyped show ever. Never laughed once. Just the JV version of “How I Met Your Mother”. Neil Patrick Harris is God. Jason Segel is fucking adorable.
5. People who tell me the same story multiple times