Before you read the rest of this post, I just want to disclaim that I have never been in a fight. Never thrown a punch. I have been in my fair amount of tickle fights, but I’m not sure if my expertise in that area will transfer over to the big leagues. I’ve taken my fair share of nut shots and titty twisters, so I’m pretty sure I can take a hit. With all that out in the open, I know I’m going to be in a fight soon. Its inevitable. You see my razor sharp jawline in a crowded bar your gonna wanna crack it. Everyone wants to dethrone the king. That’s just life. I know that. Because of this, I have mastered several fighting techniques to ensure that no harm is done to me.
1. Kiss my opponent on the lips
You know how when your about to get in a fight, you get really close face to face? What if I just kiss him on the lips at that point. The way I see it, it could go two ways:
- He gets so disorientated by my soft lips that he leaves himself vulnerable for me to attack and destroy.
- He kisses me back.
No matter what, I’m always 3 steps ahead of him. I’m playing chess, he’s playing checkers. King me, pussy.
2. Blow my rape whistle
This is honestly my go-to. My fastball. My ace. Nothing intimidates a man more than loudly blowing a whistle that signifies that he is about to rape you. I am not above a fake rape accusation to get out of a fight. That’s just me thinking big picture. That’s me thinking on my feet.
3. Whipping out my penis
Everyone knows that you can’t fight a man when his penis is exposed. Then it becomes foreplay. Pretty sure Mr. Miyagi said that. That’s something you learn on the playground. At least my playground.
So yea, my moves are a little dirty (and gay), but I play to my advantages. I know my strengths and I accept my weaknesses. I fight on my terms. My dad always told me swing first and hard. I guess this is my version of that. Idk. Don’t cross me.