Life Advice

Today I applied for the Bachelor

I’m sick of girls using me. They know I’m someone with connections. Like yea I’m best friends with the workers at Fuentes but that doesn’t mean you can treat me differently. Yea I can fit a full 7/11 Big Bite in my mouth (including the bun), but I’m still just a normal kid. A really gifted normal kid. Anyway, I have recently been looking for more creative ways to meet a more diverse pool of women. Late last night, when I was alone with my thoughts, it came to me. I realized that I am the perfect fit to be on the Bachelor. My mind was racing. What better way to genuinely meet women than to have them compete over you.

So I scurried to my computer, exited out of my incognito window, and did some research. Turns out the first step to applying is just to write about yourself. Something I’m pretty fucking good at if you haven’t realized yet. Easy money. Might as well book my plane ticket and clear my schedule. Anyway, here’s what I wrote:


I should hear back any day now. Really excited to meet my future wife on national television through forced interaction and girl on girl competition. Classic love story. Not rapey at all. Been dreaming of this since I was a little boy. Time to update my Pinterest Wedding page.

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