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Pepsi could have avoided this PR disaster if they hired me.

So Pepsi released a commercial today that has the internet mad. A task that is not that hard to do. The New York Times summarized it pretty well (Yes I read the NY Times, I’m better than you):

ny times pepsi

So I guess we’re at the point of protesting commercials about protests? Pretty stupid but I’ll play along. I do understand the outrage to a certain degree. Imagine working really hard to start a national movement that’s changing history (they think) and all of a sudden you got the Kardashians on your team? I get it. I understand. I don’t care, but I do understand.

With that being said, if you are actually mad at this I hate you. We would not get along in a social setting. Pepsi had to apologize for “making light of a serious issue”. You know who else makes light of a serious issue? Literally anyone who’s ever made joke. Anyone who has ever laughed. Anyone who enjoys having fun. The definition of a joke is making light of a serious situation. It keeps up sane. It keeps us from not killing each other. Like my Catholic school priest used to say, “jokes are like a penises, you just gotta take them.” That’s also probably why I don’t go to church anymore.

The only thing I wish Pepsi did differently is consult me. I could have avoided this whole situation. I got a B- in my marketing class two years ago, so I’m a bit of an expert at this stuff. It looks like the biggest issue that people are having is Kendall Jenner handing the police a Pepsi. (sidenote: I would let Kendall Jenner hand me my own feces.) With that being said, I have the solution: They should have had Kendall hand the cop a Four Loko. Boom. Problem solved. Race war over. Everyone wins.

Four Lokos unite people. I can’t tell you how many times I see someone else drinking a loko then become best friends with them 3 minutes later. Its an unwritten rule when you see someone else drinking a loko at a social event you must salute each other. Its like when people driving jeeps wave at each other. Or when us white kids see each other carrying the same assault rifle into class. Just friendly stuff.

So this is an open invite for Pepsi to let me on board to do some damage control. Your move. My schedule is pretty open.

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