Oregon wants to lift the ban on Duels, and I am all in

Excerpt from ABC News:

The Oregon Legislature may have an unusual request for voters in the next general election that harkens back to that fateful summer day in 1804 when a bitter rivalry between U.S. Vice President Aaron Burr and the nation’s first treasury secretary, Alexander Hamilton, was settled with a fatal gunshot.

Should ongoing discussions in Salem materialize, voters would see a question on their general-election ballots asking if a 172-year-old ban on dueling by public officials — as in, the old-fashioned way of resolving fights — should be erased from the Oregon Constitution.

The constitutional ban in question is Article II, Section 9, which says anyone who offers, accepts, knowingly participates in a “challenge to fight a duel … or who shall agree to go out of the State to fight a duel, shall be ineligible to any office of trust, or profit.” (this is exact language from the constitution)

Finally some good news. Comeback Szn. The Duel is officially back. A lot of people talk about the need for reform in politics and I think we found it. It was right in front of our eyes the whole time. That being said I think we need to update the rules of the Duel. As stated in the article, the last time duels were a thing was 1804. Things have changed. Our country has evolved. Everyone has rights now (wink wink). Because of this, I would like to propose some new rules to the classic duel:

1. Participants must hold the gun sideways

The only thing better than two politicians dueling to the death is two politicians dueling to the death while holding their guns “Get Rich Die Trying” style. Everyone knows that’s how you squash beef nowadays. Holding a gun straight is a serial killer move. You hold the gun sideways though, all of a sudden you have some street cred under your belt. The OG’s taught me that. That’s some O-Dog shit. “Hold the pistol when I shoot that’s for style points” – Lil Wayne” – Me.

2. Shooting your opponent in the groin area will result in execution

Pretty standard stuff.

3. It will be legal to gamble on duels

Coming from a person who doesn’t bet the ponies, this is a must. If I could bet on duels I would be in the red yesterday. 80% chance I would end up dead in an alley from an unpaid gambling debt. Imagine having $1k riding on the speed of some old white politician’s trigger finger? That’s what gambling was meant to be. That’s borderline art. An absolute marriage ruiner.

Also imagine logging onto Draft Kings and setting your picks for today’s duels? Or getting all your buddies in your basement for a fantasy draft right before Duel Season?

4. Duels will be broadcasted live, with Bill Walton doing commentary 

Bill Walton makes everything better. He can make a preseason college basketball tournament in Maui feel like the final four. Bill Walton single-handedly made NBA Jam 99 for Nintendo 64 the best video game ever. Just imagine a stoned Bill Walton, rocking a Hawaiian shirt, going on rants about forests while two guys literally fight to the death. That’s appointment television. Honey set the DVR.

5. Excessive celebration penalties will not be enforced 

Looking at you, NFL. I’m all about showmanship. If you headshot a guy you should be able to dab without repercussions, or Lambeau Leap into the crowd without fear of being fined. That just makes the game fun. That gets the youth involved. For the casual fans.

 

I think these are all pretty reasonable changes. Gotta update it to the 21st century. That’s Darwinism. Survival of the fittest. Adapt or die.

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