My Daily Horoscope

Horoscopes are stupid and for stupid people. With that being said, I never really read mine. There’s no way it could be correct because I’m always 3 steps ahead of everyone. No one can predict me. I’m a human stock market. You know my swag, not my story. With that being said, I recently started reading it for fun. Here’s my horoscope today:

Sun Sign

If you had to score your life right now, it would have to be a perfect ten. You look great, your career is going well, and your domestic life is harmonious. Could there be anything more to life? Don’t think so. You may receive news of more success at work when an important sale comes through or a project is successfully completed. You have much to celebrate, Leo!

Okay, maybe they’re onto something. I do in fact look great. Probably because I showered today, and I’m rocking some bad boy scruff (only because I don’t have any razors). Is my career going well? Considering I’m on the genius author/male model/playboy career path, I’d say yes.  Is my domestic life harmonious? I don’t know, ask the Domino’s pizza box on my floor. Look my Snapchat streaks. If you’re reading this you’re probably a hot girl. So yes.

Health

Satisfying your natural urges is just what the doctor ordered this week. That’s right – you are in charge of this! Try to focus on what you really want and then on giving it to yourself. Whether it’s a walk by the beach to think over personal matters or a frank chat with your boss, there are certain things that only you can provide. You sometimes sink into the habit of thinking that what you want most deeply is something or some emotion only others can give you. Wake up from this coma, and begin nurturing yourself!

I think this one is just telling me to jack off? “Satisfy my natural urges”, “Giving it to myself”, “Certain thing only I can provide”, “Nurturing myself”. Ok horoscope, if you really insist. No yea sure, I’ll go “take a walk on the beach” wink wink. I had to double check to make sure I wasn’t reading an excerpt from a book about my changing body. Whatever. Time to start my day (browsing on an incognito window).

 

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