I Just Solved the Immigration Debate

Lots of talk in the news lately about the United States immigration policy. As President Trump begins to implement his campaign promises, things are heating up. People are mad, walls are being built, lawns are not being cut. Its a bit chaotic. The country is divided. A big talking point is figuring out who should and shouldn’t be allowed in the country. Who should be deported. Voted off the Island.

I admit it is a bit of a complicated issue, but I have the answers. Sadly no one comes to me for help, and that’s why we’re in the position we are in right now as a country. With that being said, I have compiled a list of people who should be deported immediately:

People who wear over the top outfits when exercising

I need these people out of my country. I would trade 100 Mexican rapists for the one guy at the gym wearing 3 pairs of spandex with a “my warmup is your workout” shirt on, and a “prove people wrong” tattoo on his bicep. Just chill out dude. You’re wearing lifting gloves and we bench the same weight (135, been stuck at that since senior year of high school). This goes double for the biker/runner equivalents. The ones that wear their Mother’s day 5k Nike dry fit like a Boston Marathon medal. The guy who wears the Lance Armstrong bike outfit to show how much of an avid biker he is, while his lie detector of a stomach tells a different story. Get them out.

Guys who wear Nike shirts with stupid slogans on them

Sort of along the same lines as the section above. But if you wear any of these shirts, from the bottom of my heart I need you out of my country. How can I eventually bring kids into this world with people wearing these? If you wear these shirts there’s a 90% chance you still go to high school parties and sell weed out of your tinted out Honda Civic. The good thing is I guess they go well with cargo shorts? Idk. Leave the country.

PS: I need this shirt. My life in a nutshell. #MyBodyMyTemple

nike shirt 5

 

Girls who write stupid articles for the Odyssey/Buzzfeed

If I see one more article to the likes of “10 times Kevin from The Office Perfectly Describes Finals Week” or “The real reason why he’s not texting you back” (answer: he doesn’t like you) shared on Facebook, I will one up Aaron Hernandez. My writing probably isn’t going to ever win any literary awards (screenshot this to save when I eventually win my Pulitzer Prize), but at least I can write several literate sentences in a row without having to mix in a GIF or emoji. But whatever. Keep slaying queeen.

Anyone who owns a snake

Remember that kid from middle school who had a pet snake? He didn’t turn out that well did he? If you had a pet snake when you were younger, chances are you’re reading this from prison. Even from a young age I knew something wasn’t right with the kid who had a python at his birthday party. Do you know what a python feels like? Neither do I. I would never touch it. Too busy mucking barn on the pinata, putting on a show for the girls, shooting the shit with the dads by the grill (please don’t fact check this with anyone I grew up with). Its even worse if you’re over the age of 18 and own a snake. Tough to get a girl to come home with you by telling her she can see your pet snake (depending on your tone and how you phrase it). I guarantee violent crimes would be down by half in this country if we immediately deported anyone who attempts to a buy a snake. Send them south.

So there it is. Immigration debate solved. On to transgender bathrooms (Coming soon).

 

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