My official guide to Summer Drinking

Its that time of year again. The time where I leave my blog cave and feel obliged to excessively drink since for the first time in 8 months, the weather doesn’t make me want to kill myself. That’s right. Its summer. Which means one thing: Its outside drinking weather. With that being said, warm weather drinking is an art. Its something that takes years of experience to master, as well as a little luck. Throughout the years, and throughout all the failure, I feel that I have learned from experience and the ones that came before me, how to truly binge drink in a tropical (New England Summer) climate. With that being said, here is my official guide to summer drinking:

Drinking hard alcohol in the sun always ends well

Can you remember a time when you drank hard alcohol at the beach and it ended in disaster? Me neither. This is probably your safest bet. You see, because of science, since you’re sweating in the sun, that means you’re losing alcohol at a faster rate than you would be inside. Because of this, its important that you drink at a much faster pace than usual. If you feel that you are a bit dehydrated or feeling a little dizzy, don’t be afraid to go for a swim. Alcohol and swimming go great together. A little trick I learned is to swim out as far as you can, as the calories you burn while swimming, will push the alcohol through your bloodstream faster. Absolutely fool proof.

You can’t get a DUI if the sun is still out

You don’t need to be a lawyer to figure this one out. It goes along the same lines as how you can’t get a DUI if you wake up drunk. Pretty standard stuff. If you do find yourself behind the wheel during the day, and feel as if you aren’t in the best form of yourself, all you have to do is roll down the window and stick your head out for about 30-45 seconds, and you should be good to go. Learned that one from my dog.

Open container policies don’t apply if you are within a football field of a beach, roof deck, or (in ground) pool

Once again, I almost feel silly even explaining this. Everyone knows that we play by European rules when it comes to open container policies in the summer. If you can see a beach, roof deck, or in ground pool, you can carry an open container. No ruling for above ground pool people, those go by a case by case basis.

Every man for himself when it comes to public urination

Chances are, if you follow the rules above, you’re gonna find yourself in a position where you have to pee in a place that lacks traditional bathrooms. This is where you need to get creative. The world is your porto-potty. You have to turn on your killer instincts. Think on your feet, as a wrong turn will get you on the website and you won’t be able to pick your kids up from soccer practice.

This is when you really need to plan ahead. A good strategy I use is that upon arrival of a drinking destination, I like to pick out 3, maybe 4 reachable spots I can see myself peeing at a later point in time. If you don’t have a reliable stomach, or have eaten Qdoba in the last 24 hours, maybe pick out a couple emergency #2 spots. You’re going to need them. Here are a few bathroom suggestions:

  • The ocean (you should already know this)
  • Your friends pool (what’s stronger, your friendship or your bladder?)
  • The sand (if you ever see me building a sand castle, chances are I’m filling up the moat myself later)
  • Pee your pants (a timeless classic)

I hope this information is valuable to you. Please use it for good rather than evil. Lastly, always remember, sunscreen is overrated and a money making scam.

 

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