United Airlines forced woman to pee in a cup during a flight. I investigate.

A Kansas City mom claims she was forced to pee in a cup aboard a United Airlines flight — and then humiliated by the crew members who wouldn’t let her use the bathroom.

Nicole Harper said flight attendants told her she couldn’t leave her seat until the captain turned off the Fasten Seatbelt sign April 10 — one day after Dr. David Dao was forcibly dragged off a different United flight.

“After explaining that I have an overactive bladder and would either need to use the restroom or pee in a cup, I was handed a cup by flight attendants,”

I’m not gonna lie, this story threw me off. When I saw a headline that someone was forced to pee in a cup, I did not expect it to be a white woman. Peeing in a cup is usually an activity exclusively used on criminals and professional athletes, neither of which category white women fit into. This is the grown up version of elementary school when you asked “can I go the bathroom”, and the teacher would respond “I don’t know, can you?”. I love this move by United. Just calling this lady’s bluff like its the World Series of Poker. Picking up her blitz. Reading and reacting. Absolutely textbook execution if you ask me. This lady made a snarky remark, sarcastically asking to pee in a cup, and the flight attendants did not blink. That’s chapter 1 of flight attendant school. They were trained for this. Checkmate, bitch.

This lady claims she has an overactive bladder, which sounds like more of an asset than an inconvenience. Pressure makes diamonds. Its not our fault your bladder is constantly in overdrive. This lady’s bladder never stops not stopping. #NoDaysOff for this bladder. Her bladder has never heard of an offseason. She says pee, her bladder says how high. I’m straight up jealous of this woman’s urinary system. If your bladder is that much of a workhorse, you should be prepared. No shame in diapers. Wearing a diaper is a great way to show people that your life is so on the run, and you spend so much time on your feet, that you literally cannot afford the time to go the bathroom.

I think I might have to get in the diaper game. Not only will wearing a diaper free me from being a slave to bathrooms, but the extra padding will give my ass the boost that it deserves. People will be like “Oh Tim, looking good, have you been doing a lot of lunges?” And I’ll be like “No, I’m just wearing my best pair of pampers” while simultaneously soiling myself. That’s the American Dream. That’s what every parent hopes their child becomes. You’re welcome mom and dad.

Going back to the story at hand, if it were up to me, I would pee in a cup 10/10 over getting up on an airplane to pee. Airline bathrooms are small and gross. They’re basically mile high porto-pottys. I would much rather urinate from the comfort of my window seat than have to give lap dances to the two people sitting next to me, then make the walk of shame up the aisle, only to pee fast enough so no one thinks i dropped one 30,000 feet in the air.

I thrive in cup peeing situations. Every time I go to my yearly physical, I make it a point to fill up the pee cup to the brim. It communicates to the doctors that I have a full tank, and I take pride in hydration. People always ask why I have so many empty water bottles in my car. Same reason why I’ve never stopped at a rest area to pee. I’m prepared. I think three steps ahead. I plan for the worst. Apocalypse mentality.

So yea, its hard for me to feel bad for this woman. Its 2017. If you can’t pee on command at any time, in any place, Darwinism is going to get you sooner or later.

PS: All this lady had to do was say she’s transgender. Boom, multi-million dollar lawsuit coming her way. #LoveWins

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