Nordstrom’s muddy jeans have inspired me to start my own fashion line

Nordstrom is selling “mud-stained” jeans to the tune of $425.

They’re called the “Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans” and come with some sort of fake mud substance caked all over them. (It’s not clear what that substance is.) The knees, pockets and crotch of the jeans appear bear most of the faux brown muck. And as CNN discovered, “the dirt does not wash out, because it’s actually not real dirt.” The jeans were designed by PRSP and are sold on Nordstrom’s website, which describes them this way:

Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.

As its come out in the news recently, Nordstrom’s new mud stained jeans have not received the most positive response. Many people feel that the jeans are a way for the wealthy to wear working class jeans ironically, and that they are using the working class as a fashion statement. And while I agree with some of the outrage, I think that they’re on to something

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think stain fashion might be a new thing. Like you can’t get your jeans dirty if they’re already covered in mud. My mom used to always yell at me for coming home with grass stains on my pants. Little did she know she was in the midst of raising the next fashion icon. The Tom Ford of blogging. The Vera Wang of waking up with crumbs in his bed. I know high fashion when I see it. And I see it with these new jeans. In my mind, Nordstrom’s new jeans are just the tip of the iceberg. They’re sitting on a winning lottery ticket and they don’t even know it.

They need to expand this line ASAP. That’s where I come in. That’s where my child-like creativity comes to play. I’ve created a fashion line of my own, based on Nordstrom’s idea of dirty jeans:

White T-shirts with sauce stains already on them

I’ve been rocking this look since ’98. If a meal involves any type of sauce, everyone in the room knows its ending up on my shirt. No need to wear my heart on my sleeve when I can wear my buffalo chicken on my chest. I will admit though, not only can it be a bit embarrassing, but I also hate doing laundry. That’s when my new shirts come in. Pre-stained t shirts. Can’t stain a shirt that’s already stained, and if you do, its art. Just wait, you’ll be at Milan Fashion week and all the skinny little models will be strutting around wearing Hanes t shirts with Franks Red Hot Sauce dripping all over them.

Shoes with dog poop built into the bottom

Since I’m always on my feet, I step in dog shit a lot. Its a cross I have to bear. Also since I started living in Roxbury, I think I’ve had some unconfirmed encounters with human shit. There’s a difference. I can’t explain it. But when you know, you know. This idea sort of goes along the same lines as the muddy jeans and stained shirts. Can’t step in dog poop with more dog poop. Then it just cancels out. That’s algebra. PEMDAS. That’s me being a human graphing calculator.

Pants that have no zipper

There’s nothing worse than looking down and realizing your fly has been down all day. That you’ve just been putting on a free peep show for hours. I honestly sometimes do it on purpose. Having your zipper down is primal. Its some caveman shit. Its my way of getting the point across that I have nothing to hide. My life is in the open. Come get some. That’s why pants without zippers would be a huge hit. Imagine wearing your zipperless pants around, waiting for someone to call you out, only to be able to call them out for being a peasant and fashion illiterate.

Socks that come with holes in them

Why is it called fashion when girls wear ripped jeans and Kanye wears ripped shirts, but considered homeless when I wear ripped socks. Its never made sense to me. Almost every sock I own has at least one hole in it. Probably because just like anyone else, my socks can’t survive a mile in my shoes. I’m also always on my toes with my ballerina mindset, so that really doesn’t help. Nonetheless, I think this is the next step in fashion. Ride the wave.

 

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