The Avril Lavigne conspiracy has opened my eyes: I am now officially looking for an imposter

So over the weekend, the internet has been blowing up over a conspiracy theory concerning Avril Lavigne. Basically, people are starting to believe that the pop star died in 2001, and that her record company hired an imposter of her, and having been using that imposter for the last sixteen years. After doing some extensive research (read a couple tweets), I really only took one thing away from the situation:

I need an imposter.

I have to get in the imposter game asap. I need someone to live my public life for me. I need someone to do everything I hate. Basically live my life during the weekday hours of 9am-6pm. I know I know, everyone is thinking, “Tim, your life is a fairy tale, why would you want someone else to live it for you?” Valid question. The thing is, there are way better things I could be doing with my time than “getting an education”, and “going out in public”. These are all huge opportunity costs for what I can truly be doing with my time. This includes:

  • Carbo-Loading
  • Wooing women
  • Destroying enemies
  • Looking for value where no one else does
  • Buying low selling high
  • Chasing greatness

That being said, it will be next to impossible for me to find an imposter. I’m one of a kind. A collector’s item. Limited edition. Often imitated never duplicated. No one is better at being me than me. I’m a chameleon, ever changing and evolving. Refusing to become a product of my environment, but making my environment a product of me. Finding a true fit for myself is basically hopeless. I might have to be my own imposter. Like when Dwight Shrute hired himself as his own assistant. Can only trust myself.  Then again, if anyone could do it, it would be me. If you are interested in the opportunity of a lifetime, and be able to be me, here are the requirements:

Be comfortable being uncomfortable

I honestly don’t remember the last time I was comfortable. I make a point to live outside my comfort zone. That’s where greatness lives. That’s why I sleep on a bed too small for me. That’s why I’ve been incrementally increasing my Four Loko intake all year. That’s why I eat more carbs than any human should. I thrive in adversity. You put me in a corner I’ll blog my way out. Being uncomfortable brings out the best in me. If you truly want to be my imposter, you better get used to hating your life.

Be Devilishly handsome

I’m not even sure why I’m bothering putting this in writing because its a bit of a given. Before you even think about applying, think to yourself “can my jawline slice a cinder block in half?” If the answer is yes, you’re probably still not good enough. I have an image to keep up, and I expect you do your part.

Be able to keep up with my demanding diet

You think this body came easy? You think its easy to be 200lbs of mostly water weight? Everyone wants my body but no one wants to do the work.  Don’t bother applying if you’re too scared to take down a pound of pasta in one sitting.

Go to my classes so I can get participation points

One of my greatest assets is being able to go to class and write blogs in a way that it looks like I’m taking notes. Its honestly a pretty simple formula. I write a couple sentences, look up and shake my head in agreement with the professor. Sometimes I’ll mix in a thoughtful facial expression. If the class involves calculations, I’ll periodically press random buttons on my calculator. Its foolproof, but its taken years to master. If you want to be my imposter, you must be as good, if not better at this skill than I am.

Proofread my blogs 

If you read anything I write, you know I’m not scared to make some spelling/grammar mistakes. This is mostly because I live my life at pace that doesn’t give me sufficient time to proofread my posts after I submit them. I focus too much on delivering the truth to care about grammar. They’re only 24 hours in a day, which isn’t enough time to worry about spelling. That’s where my imposter comes in. I need someone to read all my blogs and fix my mistakes. Then again, maybe not. I like living my life without edits.

So yea, even though my life looks like a romantic comedy, it comes at a price. Like a middle school dance its a grind. If you’re up for the challenge you know where to find me.

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