The Bachelorette Official Recap you didn’t know you needed

Last night, I watched the Bachelorette for the first time and let me tell you, it was an experience like no other. Maybe it was just me still being buzzed from the long weekend, but it was probably the best reality show I have ever watched. Haters will call me gay, but honestly, if watching the Bachelorette is gay, consider me Elton John. If watching 25 guys cat fight for the heart of one average looking girl is feminine, then I’m the Queen of England. Then again, I can’t be the first guy to enjoy a girl getting covered in the love of 25 guys. I think there’s a website or two for that. With all that being said, I feel that its my civil duty to recap the show. Will I be doing this weekly? We’ll see how this one goes.

The Bachelorette

First we have to start with the actual Bachelorette, Rachel:

rachel

I have some mixed feelings on Rachel. On one hand, she’s a bit sassy, and sort of a bad bitch, which I think works for her. On the other hand, her front tooth gap makes the wage gap look non-existent (which it might be), and her Jimmy Neutron forehead isn’t going to give any guys a brain blast. Then again, she’s lowkey-thiccc so that might cancel everything out. Overall, I’ll give her a C+, but there’s plenty of time for her to improve herself.

Episode 2

Most of the episode was honestly a blur. Basically it was just a bunch of guys hanging out in suits trying their best to pretend that they’re not all attracted to each other. Rachel went full “freshman girl the weekend she breaks up with her high school boyfriend” mode and casually made out with like 5 guys in a twenty minute span. I don’t hate. I’m not here to slut shame. Momma needs her sugar.

The big part of the episode was the group date. This was possibly the most bizarre thing I’ve seen on television. Basically, ten of the guys played a pick-up basketball game in a high school gym in front of a crowd of high school kids, while Rachel sat at the scorer’s table and took notes. It sort of reminded me of The Office episode when Dwight and Andy dueled over Angela. Also, half of the contestants are black guys this year, so it was an interesting coincidence that basketball was picked as the first date. Seemed like a bit of an unfair advantage to some. I won’t go into detail, but I will say that it was quite obvious that there was a skill gap between one group of contestants and the rest. Not all stereotypes are true, but I don’t know, sometimes the universe works out.

demario.JPG

The climax of the show was after the game. when a woman comes up to Rachel, explaining to her that one of the contestants, DeMario (yes he was one of the better basketball players), is her ex-boyfriend and is there for the wrong reasons, and just wants to get on TV. I know, I was just as shocked as you are. Who would ever think someone would go on a reality show for attention? I’m still not sure I buy it. DeMario seems like a standup and mature guy, who happens to feel that its necessary to take off 6 months of work and leave his life behind to try and get engaged via competing for some random girl on national TV. No red flags there. That’s just guy stuff. Any normal man in his 30’s would do that.

Rachel gets her bad bitch on, and kicks DeMario off the show. She then goes on to kiss three more guys, and then uh oh, look who shows back up. DeMario pulls a George Costanza and shows back up after being fired (name another website that can make a Seinfeld reference in a Bachelorette article). I was on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what would transpire, only to have the producers blue ball me and hit me with a “To be continued”.

I can only imagine what will happen next week, so I’m not going to speculate. All I know is that I need DeMario back. I need a villain. Someone to stir the pot. As of right now, he might be my favorite to win the show. America loves a comeback story, and what would be better than DeMario winning the heart of the same girl who kicked him off her own show.

To be continued next week. (Yes I just wrote 1000 words about a Bachelorette episode during class)

 

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