It goes without saying my body is my temple. I know, I’m a bit of a broken record at this point. But its true. Despite my near pristine diet, I do have one major flaw in my eating habits: Convenience Store food. I can’t explain it, but the minute I have a drop of alcohol in my system, 7/11 turns into The Capital Grill. Cumberland Farms is all of a sudden Abe and Louis’. I can’t help it. Its chaos. Sometimes even hell. There’s some chemical imbalance inside me that just drives me towards the bright lights of Symphony Market. Its also sort of cruel how there is a 7/11 next to every single bar in Boston. Who was the monster of a city planner to do that? That’s like putting a liquor store next to a halfway house, or an Urban Outfitters next to a gay bar. People are going to make bad decisions.
As someone who has spent the majority of his time past 2am hanging out at convenience stores, I have taken it upon myself to create a comprehensive list of the best convenience store/gas station meals.
7/11 Hot Dogs (Big Bites)
This is my go-to. My ace. 7/11 hot dogs are like crack, but a little less healthy. I could smoke crack instead of eating a Big Bite, and probably feel better in the morning. That said, its the best and most cost efficient product in the somewhat unstable and volatile hot dog market. On a good day, you can walk in and get a 2/$3 deal. The per calorie return on that purchase is unheard of. With that purchase you automatically get more calories than Kenya imports per year. That’s me doing global business on a nightly basis. Money never sleeps.
Big bites are also great for food challenges. If you’re not familiar with these glorious competitions, basically my friends have realized that they can peer pressure me into trying to fit full hot dogs in my mouth anytime I drink. Am I proud of it? No. But they’re pretty damn impressive. I’m Joey Chestnut except not as much of a creep. Kobayashi but less Asian. You put me in a corner of a 7/11, I’ll food challenge my way out of it. Rules are made to be broken. Why be average when you can be choking on mystery meat.
Symphony Market Subs
This is a bit specific, as there is only one location, but I’ve spent more time here late night than Tiger Woods spends behind the wheel. I’ve done more damage here than ISIS. That might be a little to far but its really not. Its at that level. DEFCON 5. I’ve haven’t been there in a couple weekends since Our House East closed (RIP #OHEstrong), and I’m legitimately concerned for their financial well-being. I also just straight up miss the place. I walked in there sober today, and was just a weird feeling. It was if the lights were to come on in Space Mountain, or going to a strip club for breakfast.
What puts Symph market on this list are 2 things: The subs and the variety. The subs are what have my heart. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who’s ever bought one, and I think that’s what makes it special to me. Do they taste good? It depends. Are you by yourself at 2:30 am? Have you already texted every girl in your phone? Have you befriended the homeless man outside? Then yea. They’re delicious. Are you feeling somewhat logical? Do you respect your body? Do you want to wake up tomorrow and not consider killing yourself? Then maybe reconsider. Maybe go to bed. Sadly, that’s not how I’m wired. I don’t go to bed. I don’t take naps. Sleep is the cousin of death. Then again, a Symphony market sub is the cousin of diabetes and depression.
Along with the subs, the other aspect that makes Symphony market irresistible is the variety that comes with it. Only a rookie would get a single sub, especially if its buffalo chicken. The flavor of the sub can be overwhelming, so you’re going to need a complimentary snack. This where Symphony market shines. Not only can you get their specialty subs, but you can also get hot pockets for the morning after. A true five tool player. A jack of all trades.
Cumberland Farms Breakfast Sandwiches
Cumby’s is criminally underrated in general. Chill zones are the best and cheapest drinks ever created, and the food selection is dangerous. Cumberland Farms recently updated a bunch of their stores, and at this point I consider it borderline fine-dining. My go to is the breakfast sandwich, preferably the sausage egg and cheese. The only issue is that they come cold, and you have to take the time to microwave it. That’s not to say I haven’t raw dogged a couple. Its quite the experience, and I would not recommend it to the faint of heart. Then again, time is money. Go big or go home.
Put food in your stomach before you drink and go to bed like a normal person
Just kidding, nerds.