What an episode. Every week this show just keeps outdoing itself. The perfect mix of love, comedy, romance, and drama. A smorgasbord of emotions, if you will. I’m going to try the match the energy of the show in this blog, but I’m just not sure I can. Then again, shout out to me for pushing out hall of fame bachelorette recaps while not having a uterus (still not sure what uterus is). I honestly contemplated taking estrogen pills before writing this for a little advantage. Sadly, I respect the game to much to do that. I’m here for all the right reasons. It would have been a disgrace to the ones who came before me.
There were a couple main talking points of the show, so lets get into them:
Last week we were left on a cliffhanger to end all cliffhangers. Would Rachel let Demario back in the mansion? We pretty quickly got the answer, and it was a no from her dawg. I loved DeMario’s quote of “In order to experience joy, you need pain”. Just the most ambiguous thing you can say. Absolutely zero meaning behind it. I’ve recently gotten into dropping cliche quotes in situations where I don’t know what to say, so I respect the hell out of this move. I was sitting in the front seat of an uber this weekend, and the driver was having a full conversation with me in another language. He asked me a question, and I didn’t know how to respond, so I just said “Pressure makes diamonds”. Did it make sense? No. But it didn’t not make sense. Small talk wizard.
Lucas and Blake Fight
So I guess Lucas and Blake started a weird sex driven rivalry against each other, where they both make up strange facts about each other and tell Rachel. Honestly pretty normal way to try to impress a girl if you’re a guy in your 30’s. Most guys ditch that tactic pretty early, say, 7th grade, but these guys kept at it. Gotta respect that. Eventually, Rachel caught on, and cut them both from the show. This is when shit got real…..gay. Lucas and Blake got in an argument about how neither of them are there for the right reasons, and I felt some uncomfortable sexual tension between them. I was on the edge of my seat just waiting for them to kiss. They also did that half angry, half crying thing that really only girls do when they’re in arguments. Once again, completely normal reactions for 30 year olds. Lastly, the term “Waboom” was thrown around a lot. Not really sure what it means, but interesting defense tactic to make up a word and continuously yell it. Basically fool proof.
The first group date was to the Ellen Show. Obviously, everyone had to say how Ellen is legit perfect and their spirit animal. I think we’re at the point in America that if anyone were to ever say anything bad about Ellen, they’d immediately get thrown in Guantanamo Bay. Ellen could drown a bunch of babies, and people would still be like “OMG she’s so quirky”. Anyway, Ellen had all the guys dance shirtless around the studio, basically to see who was a good dancer. Rachel was impressed by the guys who were the best dancers, which is incredibly backwards. Everyone knows that being a good dancer is a huge red flag on the Gaydar. Ellen should know that better than anyone. Real should recognize real. I’m a terrible dancer, and completely blame it on being straight. No other explanation to why my dancer legs don’t produce magic. They went on to play “never have I ever”, which I’ll admit is a hall of fame game. Maybe Ellen is a genius after all. I guess she’s there for a reason.
The second group date was even more intriguing. Rachel brought on some of her friends to come along the date with her. It was a weird dynamic, as it was the first time in history that a bunch of guys were fighting over the attention of the least hot girl in a friend group. Weird stuff indeed. They took a party bus, which is the best decision made all season, to some random bar that looked like a place one would find Lamar Odom on a Sunday morning. The guys walk in and they realized they all have to mud wrestle each other. Once again, the uncomfortable dynamic of the guys being more attracted to each other than Rachel came out to play. Things got weird. The guys were all wrestling each other, but it was in a playful way while the girls watched and cheered. It looked like something out of bible camp. One guy kept talking big about how he’s a pro wrestler, which I don’t think he realized is fake. “Its still real to me dammit!” I feel like it would be lazy and unoriginal to call the activity gay, but then again, it was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. If Perez Hilton walked into that scene he’d feel a bit homophobic.
Then came the 1v1 date. Rachel and Anthony rode horses through Los Angeles, which was possibly the stupidest date I’ve ever seen. The horses started shitting everywhere when they brought them into a store because, well, the’re horses. They also bought cupcakes and cowboy boots, which once again, doesn’t really make sense. If I’m on a horse date, I wanna ride a horse. I want to push the pedal to the floor with that steed. Give me the full cowboy experience. I want to scalp something. Burn down a reservation or two. Build a pipeline. That’s what real cowboys do. Lewis and Clarke shit.
That’s honestly all I remember about the show. Its like 4 hours long, and my brain can only process so much male insecurity. Some random guys who haven’t said a word yet on the show didn’t get roses. Losers stay losers. They left it on another cliffhanger, but I completely forget what it was about. I’d look it up online, but I can’t get through those bachelorette gossip websites without beginning to lactate and get cramps. Until next week. RIP DeMario. Then again, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of him.