Life Advice

When do I stop going to the Pediatrician?

So today I got a reminder that I have my yearly doctor’s appointment coming up in about a month. I’m about to turn 22, and I still go to the pediatrician. Its also been brought to my attention that this is not normal. This brings up a new debate: Am I too old to go to a the same doctor’s office as new born babies?

I internally debate this every year when I go, but I think its getting to the point that I should probably take action. But then again, its sort of impressive. I think I’m the only person in the world who goes to the pediatrician and also remembers 9/11. My doctor’s been inferring that I leave for the past few years, passive aggressively being like “yea most people switch over to an adult doctor at about 19 or 20, so…”, and I’m just like “yea good for them, see you next year”.

Nevertheless, I think the best way to make a decision is to weigh out the pro’s and cons.


I’m the alpha male of the office

I walk into that office every year knowing damn well I run that bitch. I’ve been going there since the 90’s. Bill Clinton was President the first time I checked in there. I think that gives me some respect there. Like there’s a “no cell phone usage” sign in the waiting room and I just completely ignore it. I’ve earned it. I’ve grandfathered myself in. I was going there when car phones were still a thing. This is my doctor’s office, your just living in it

I’ve memorized the eye test poster

I’ve taken that eye test so many times that I just recite it from memory at this point. My visions so good I can do it with both my eyes closed. I could be blind and no one would ever know. Then again, the only thing I’m blind to is the haters.

My doctor knows my body better than I do

My doctor and I have been doing this for 21 years, so we have a great routine. At this point, I’m in and out in 20 minutes. Like I’d used to have to get 10 shots a year, try to figure out why I grew another 5 inches, then her and my mom would talk for another twenty minutes trying to figure out if I was retarded. Now I walk in, pee in a cup, she makes sure I don’t have cancer or AIDS, then I leave. Its perfect. (still no verdict on the retard debate)


I don’t know how tall I am

One negative of still going to the pediatrician is that I have no clue how tall I am. As in the measuring thing doesn’t go high enough for me. We’ve just been agreeing on 6’5″ for a couple years now and call it a day. I could be 6’9″ (nice) and no one would ever know.

I’m older than some people working there

The last time I was there, I went to check in and I’m pretty sure the girl working at the front desk was younger than me. I’m at the point where I’m almost old enough to be a doctor myself. Like its not too far away where I’ll walk in and my doctor will be someone I went to high school with.

I feel like a pedophile

Not that I know what being a pedophile feels like, but if I were to guess, it would feel a lot like my yearly physical. I don’t know, there’s just something dirty about sitting in my underwear on the examination bench that’s shaped like a race car. Its like getting a flu shot at a Chuckie Cheese, or getting changed in the Penn State locker room. My favorite part is the face that the nurse makes when she first walks in the examination room. She’s probably expecting to finger prick and take the blood pressure of some 8 year old, then walks in and just sees me sitting in my underwear with 3 day old scruff.


After further analysis, it looks like there’s a tie for pros and cons, at 3v3. I think the deciding factor is if I think I’ll live long enough to make changing doctors worth it. Like I feel likes its a waste if I switch doctors and don’t live to see 23. That’s just a ton of unnecessary paperwork, and probably a headache with the insurance. So, I guess I’ll just keep showing up and reading Highlight magazines and finding Waldo until someone finally kicks me out.

0 comments on “When do I stop going to the Pediatrician?

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: