Weird News

Polygamist Mormon leader arrested for money laundering. Religious freedom is dead.

(CNN)- Bishop Lyle Jeffs, leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was arrested Wednesday night in South Dakota after almost a year on the run, according to the FBI. 

Jeffs, 57, is being held in Minnehaha County Jail in South Dakota. The details of his capture were not immediately available. Last July, Jeffs, the brother of notorious FLDS leader Warren Jeffs, escaped house arrest after using olive oil to slip a GPS tracking bracelet off his ankle. At the time of his escape, the FBI warned the public that Lyle Jeffs was traveling with bodyguards and was considered dangerous.

Jeffs took over leadership of the polygamist Mormon sect after his older brother was arrested on child sex charges related to his underage wives. According to the FBI’s wanted poster, Jeffs was on home confinement while awaiting trial over his alleged involvement in a food stamp fraud case when he escaped. He had been charged with conspiracy to commit benefits fraud and conspiracy to commit money laundering.

Families that qualified for federal assistance were allegedly told to turn over their food stamp debit cards and take what they needed from a warehouse of pooled resources called “the bishop’s storehouse.” The laundered cash allegedly was used on big-ticket items such as a $30,000 pickup truck, a $14,000 tractor and $17,000 in paper products.

Don’t hate the player hate the game. Lyle was just taking over the family business. His brother got busted for having multiple underaged wives (who hasn’t), and Lyle just stepped up to the plate and took over. Next man up. Just a typical business life cycle. This is just another reason why I need my own religion. You can literally make people do anything. This guy made people give him their food stamps in the name of religion and they did it no questions asked. I need that type of power in my life.

I don’t think being a Mormon is even a good deal. How does he even sell that? “Hey if you give me money I’ll make your life really shitty but you might go to a hypothetical heaven”. He must have the sales gene, because he’s out here selling his religion like your sketchy uncle sells timeshares. Then again, religion was the first multilevel marketing scheme. Muhammad is considered my many (just me), as the first Bernie Madoff.

I really can’t comprehend falling for this scam, as the two things I hate most are going to church and giving away money. This bastard found away for people to do both.  I guess that’s why I’m here, running a blog empire from the back of a lecture hall, and they’re there, giving their food stamps to a child molester. Life’s all about decisions, I guess.

I also love the purchases he made with the money he stole. Buying a tractor with stolen money is the most Mormon crime I can think of (behind marrying multiple underaged girls, of course). Were they all out of barrels of hay? I wonder if he got a toy version for his wife/daughter? There’s white crime, and then there’s running a church to steal money for farm equipment crime.

Honestly, I was not surprised when I saw that he was doing money laundering. Jesus was the first religious figure to get involved in money laundering, when he turned water into wine. Jesus was actually quite the business man. The guy has sold more books than anyone, and sold more Diamond necklaces of himself to more rappers than anyone I know. He knew how important multiple streams of income were from a young age. That’s why I invest my money exclusively in frankincense and myrrh (it took me a while to figure out how to spell those). Both absolutely recession proof.

The sneaky most funny part about the whole story is how he used olive oil to escape his house arrest anklet. Mormon’s are gonna Mormon. They don’t have a lot of transferable skills outside of their little bubble, but goddammit can they innovate. Maybe I’m underestimating them after all. The battle between church and state continues….

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