Fireworks Stink

I consider Fourth of July weekend one of, if not the, best weekend of the year. Just an absolute perfect storm coming in from all fronts. An absolute gangbang of fun. Shout out to the founding fathers to wait for the weather to get above 70 degrees before starting a revolution. That’s just a couple guys looking out for the future of the country. Also, no one’s trying to go to war in the dead of winter, unless you’re Hilter, of course. But I try not to live my life based on that model. Just a personal preference of mine. “Do as I say, not as I do”-Hitler (probably)

Despite all that July 4th has to offer, there is one aspect that I cannot stand. Fireworks. Fireworks stink, and if you disagree you are stupid. Fireworks are the least cool thing that I can think of. I am shocked that people all over the country stop their holiday weekend each year to look at small explosions in this sky. Everyone from doctors to lawyers sit on their stupid butts and watch explosions. Its absolutely mind boggling.

Every firework display in history has been the same. They change colors and are sort of loud. That’s it. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Zero variance. The biggest issue is that they’re so outdated. Like am I supposed to be impressed with small explosions? It doesn’t move the needle with me. I think we can do better. Like we dropped two nuclear bombs 70 years ago, and you’re going to tell me this is the best we can do with fireworks? I’ve seen school shooters with more firepower than most July 4th displays I’ve seen. The only fireworks that impress me at this point are the fireworks that go off in my head when I write blogs in class. Or the fireworks that go off in girls’ pants when they see my new tan (its a sunburn but it will turn into a tan).

If I’m going to be impressed with fireworks I need more. I want some real firepower. Give me some nuclear warfare. Radiate the shit out of me. I want fireworks that could double for chemotherapy. That’s just me trying to save lives. You’re welcome. I want flamethrowers. Tanks. Flashbangs. Maybe even a musket or two. I want to wake up covered in gun powder.

I’m also over watching idiots get excited over their homemade firework displays. No one is impressed that you smuggled in $40 worth of fireworks in from New Hampshire. They always talk about it like its some big drug operation. You’re excessive spending on fireworks and massive American Flags on your truck make it seem like your overcompensating. Just an observation.

So yea, this post comes off a little cranky, but I think I get a pass. July 5th is the worst day of the year. I spent the last 5 days soaking in alcohol and sun at a photosynthetic (word of the day) rate, only to wake up to the first day of summer classes. I’m sweaty, tired, hungover, and straight up miserable. This makes the Monday after the Superbowl feel like Mother’s day. I wasn’t alive for Pearl Harbor, but I’m 100% certain today is worse. So give me a break, and also stop with fireworks. Simpletons.

 

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