It might not seem like it, but I’m a bit of an academic. Always learning. Some might consider me a “student of life”. I’m also randomly a couple BS classes away from an undergrad degree. That being said, I’ve taken an exam or two in my lifetime. I’m a veteran when it comes to Scantrons. With that, I’ve developed a bit of a guide consisting of tips and tricks to doing the best you can on exams. Some might seem a bit extreme and unconventional, but they are tried and true, so I encourage everyone reading to use them freely:
Act like you’ve been there before
Nothing shows more fear than when people study in class right before the exam. You know, the people who read through their notes, trying to squeeze out all the info possible. Those people are cowards. I like to roll in 5 minutes before (3 minutes late), take my seat, put my feet up, then sit on my phone until the test starts. This really messes with people.
Don’t be afraid to take your shirt off
I have two midterms today, and just walked out of my first one. I was sweating like a pedophile the minute they see Chris Hanson the whole time. I walk to class everyday from my apartment, and the humidity today turned me into a puddle. I looked like a mom who just came from hot yoga. I joked to the kid next to me that I might take my shirt off, then I realized it was the smartest thing I’ve ever said. A sweaty shirt is just going to slow you down and decrease your mobility. There’s also always a fear of chafing. Once that starts you’re done.
Bring and use a calculator even if the test requires no calculations
Sort of a mental warfare tactic here. Even if its an English test or something, I always have a calculator on my desk. Once and a while I like to type in a few calculations just to get in people’s heads. People will either think you’re a psycho, or a genius. Both outcomes will benefit you.
If you’re allowed to bring in a note card/cheat sheet, just show up with a blank piece of paper
Nothing gives off more a confidence vibe than showing up with a blank cheat sheet. I once saw a kid show up with a laminated cheat sheet and never hated someone so much. If you really want to get in people’s heads, refer to the blank sheet a couple times during the test. You’ll need every advantage if you can, and if the class is curved, this goes double.
Crack your knuckles and unnecessary amount of times
This gives off a big time bad boy vibe, and lets your classmates and professor know that you aren’t afraid to get violent mid test.
Use a red pen
This is more to get in the head of the professor. There’s nothing worse than getting a test back that’s covered in red, so why not just get ahead of the game and do it yourself.
Grade the test yourself
Control the story before it controls you. This shows confidence in your abilities, and could possibly slip by your professor. Professors always complain about grading tests, even though they have TA’s and make six figures at a job that they can’t get fired from. So this just helps them out with the workload.
Wear a diaper
Lots of professors won’t let you go the bathroom during an exam, and if they do, it cuts into precious time. With that said, its not a bad idea to wear a diaper on exam day. It lets you focus on the test, and the stench of the used diaper will make your classmates rush through their exams, hence lowering the curve.
Make a protein shake mid-test
Everyone knows my body is my temple, and how much of a health nut I am. Don’t be afraid to bring some protein powder and a mixer to class, to refuel mid test. If you want to go a step further, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to do a line or two of pre-workout before the test even starts.
Walk up to the trash barrel at the front of the classroom and pull the trigger
Please don’t take this advice literally, especially if you tend to wear a trench coat to class. When I say pull the trigger, I mean making yourself throw up. This is a great way to get rid of nerves, and make yourself as light and nimble as possible. You can’t afford to have any stomach issues during the test. If you do, that’s what the diaper is for.
When you get the graded test back, take it from the professor’s hand, look at the grade, look him in the eye, then eat it.
This is just straight savagery, and the professor won’t fail you, out of fear for his and his family’s lives.
Don’t be afraid to fail a exam or two
I like to fail an exam or two once in a while. It keeps the professor on his toes, and lets him know you’re a bit of a wildcard. It also messes with the curve of the class a little bit.
So that’s the best advice I can give you when it comes to test taking. I can’t see any of those tips back firing on you, so I suggest putting them to use as soon as you can.