If you know me, you know I’m a sucker for cheap alcohol. I’ve taken countless finance and accounting classes, and the only time I use anything I’ve learned is when I’m at Huntington Wine and Spirits doing cost analysis on Four Loko’s and Rubinoff. The website’s doing pretty well, but not well enough where I see this changing anytime too soon. I’ve been in the cheap alcohol game for a while now. I first entered the scene at around 15. That’s when I drank my first Four Loko. And I’m talking OG Four Loko. The one’s that were taking out teenagers like car accidents and depression. Luckily I live to tell the tale.
If my math is correct, I’ve been economically efficient in alcohol for about 7 years. I remember in high school talking to my friends about how once we turn 21 we’re going to start drinking nice beer and alcohol. Boy, how naive and immature we were. Little did we know that was only the beginning. Life moves fast.
Anyway, with this plethora of knowledge I have accrued over the better part of a decade, I feel that it’s my civil duty to pass on my findings on to the ones that need it most. Here is my breakdown of cheap alcohol:
A drink that really needs no introduction, cheap beer has been an American staple long before me. A tried and true product, people have been drinking beer that’s borderline piss water since the beginning of time. Here are my go-tos:
Better known as “Natty Light”, this beer has become synonymous with the darty lifestyle of Hawaiian shirts, basketball jerseys, and being mean to girls. Depending where you are, a 30 of this bottom of the barrel beer can go from as low as $14. At that price, it doesn’t make sense to not buy it. Natty’s conveniently taste like toilet water, so it goes down with an unmatched smoothness.
Not for the faint of heart, Natty Ice is Natty Light with more alcohol and more piss. I like to think of Natty Light as your piss after drinking a reasonable amount of water, and Natty Ice as your piss after walking through the desert while eating asparagus. That being said, it’s not terrible, and I drink it pretty often. What I like most about drinking it is that you can look down upon the cowards drinking Natty light.
Concluding the trifecta of the Natural Family, this has been my go to lately. No joke, Natty Daddys are the healthiest beer out there. Like the calorie per alcohol is the lowest that exists. Who would have thought the answer to physical excellence would be in a tall boy beer that sells for $1.50. Life works in mysterious ways. If you don’t know what a Natty Daddy is, its basically a tall boy Natural Ice, but its 8% alcohol and borderline free. A match made in heaven if you ask me.
The cheap beer of all cheap beer, Genesis is so bad I have no choice but to respect it. Every Genesis rack you see in the store looks like its been sitting in the fridge since before your dad graduated high school. I love that the design is still from like 1950, and taste like its been sitting in a bomb shelter for the last 70 years.
Cheap hard alcohol is a completely different monster. You haven’t truly earned your stripes unless you’ve endured a Sunday morning after chugging Rubinoff. These drinks turn boys to men. This stuff will put some hair on your chest. It also might kill you.
Rubinoff and high school go hand in hand for me. Although I’ve moved a bit away from God’s Nectar, it will always have a place in my heart. Rubinoff is local to Massachusetts, so you might not know what it is. If you don’t, its basically flavored vodka that comes in a plastic handle for about $12. You split that 2 or 3 ways with a couple friends, you can ruin your life for $4-6 dollars. Then again, if you factor in the eventual trip the hospital, the price goes up a little bit. Depends on how risk averse you are. I guess.
Mr. Boston is basically Rubinoff but a lot more depressing. Mr. Boston gets most of it’s sales from the homeless population. No one who buys this has the intentions of drinking this inside, or socially. You drink this to stay warm on the street. If you ever see anyone drinking this cross the street, and have 911 pre-dialed, because that person has nothing to lose.
Evan Williams is fun because it has a big “alcoholic dad” vibe to it. I’m pretty sure every bottle comes with a pack of Marlboro Reds and a wife beater. No one happy drinks this stuff. This is depression in a bottle, but at a good price. It’s basically Jack Daniel’s suicidal younger brother.
Sort of my bread and butter, Four Loko, in my mind, is the best cheap alcohol option on the market. I still have no clue what’s in it, but at this point I’m not sure that I want to know. They’ve become a lot tamer over the years, as the original concoction literally killed everyone who drank them, so it’s good to see that they’re taking steps in the right direction. Four Lokos are great for any occasion, as long as the occasion includes waking up and wondering who peed your own bed.
Mad Dog 2020
There are few things in the world that I am truly scared of, and Mad Dog 2020 is one of them. This is literal Nazi Juice. I’ve only had this a couple times, and it is not fun. If you plan on drinking this, I recommend clearing off the next 2-3 business days on your calendar.
The wheel, modern medicine, the internet, boxed wine. All these inventions have changed the way we live forever. Funny how it took out of the box thinking to put something in a box. Franzia is basically Powerade with alcohol. I’m not sure how they make Franzia, but it’s definitely not the correct way to make wine. Nonetheless, the formula works.
A popular choice among my urban neighbors, Colt 45 is the best bang for you welfare buck. With the purchase of a Colt 45 comes instant street cred. I like to carry one on me at all times in case I get stuck where I have to mediate a dangerous situation. I’m still not exactly sure what a Colt 45 is. It’s like a beer, but not at all.
Anyway, that’s my breakdown of cheap booze. If I missed any, let me know, and I’ll do my assessment. I hope this list helped. Enjoy feeling like shit and wanting to kill yourself every morning!