Am I an asshole for not being an organ donor?

So yesterday I was in the waiting room of the DMV to renew my license. My 22nd birthday is this weekend (see you all there), and it’s finally time to move on from my ID I got when I was 16. After waiting in line for 45 minutes (the self service kiosk was down, why do bad things happen to good people?), I got grilled by the lady when I said I’m not an organ donor, and I could feel stares from everyone in the line behind me. I was already having a bad day, and it’s not what I needed. I was about to get my license picture taken, and I was battling a hair day from hell, my phone was dead, and just got out of a prison yard brawl with my stats midterm.

All of this got me thinking, am I an asshole for not giving some rando my insides after I die? I don’t think so. Here’s why:

My organs will not be intact/usable when I die

By the time I die, my organs are going to be straight up vegetables. They haven’t been in good shape in a solid 6 years. Even now, most are operating at max 70%. Just a steady decline since I discovered alcohol and fast food. That fact that I still function as a human being every day is absolutely remarkable. A textbook case of someone who refuses to die. Me being an organ donor would be sort of a waste of time. They’d open me up and just laugh. Probably make a case study of me on how I was able to live this long.

I’m not going to die normally, either. It’s not like I’m going to die peacefully in my bed all in one piece. It’s going to be an event. I wrote a list of possible ways I’m going to die, and they all still hold true, and every day, getting assassinated becomes the front runner more and more. You don’t run a website like this without a target on your head. I know that, and I embrace it. Everyone knows you can’t get the organs of someone who was assassinated. It’s bad luck. No one’s walking around with JFK’s liver, or Abraham Lincoln’s spleen. It’s bad taste.

No one deserves my organs

Also, I can’t think of anyone who’s worthy of my organs, or could even handle them. I have no doubt in my mind my organs are thiccc af. My lung capacity is unheard of. I can hold my breath forever. I’m a natural underwater swimmer. My liver speaks for itself. My heart, well, look at my blog production and tell me I don’t have heart. Tell me I don’t have heart while I fend off mice throughout the darkness of night. I dare you. You don’t push out t shirts like a new born baby and not have heart.

My brain is the only thing that should be saved. If the assassin doesn’t get a clean headshot, and my brain is still recoverable. I need it put in whatever machine the Power Rangers used to project Zordon (if you get that reference you’re my boy).

So no, I don’t think I’m an asshole for not being an organ donor. If anything, I’m a hero for not burdening anyone with these organs. You’re welcome.

 

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