Life Advice

I think Trans people should be in the military and here’s why

So if you watch the news like I do (humble brag about watching the news. What’s up, ladies), you’ve heard that Trump is banning transgender people from the military. Over the last 24 hours, everyone has turned into a war expert and expressed their opinions, for or against it.

I know nothing about war, but I do make fun of people on the internet, so then again, I think I have a pretty good idea. Also my friend shot me with an airsoft gun in sixth grade. Sort of a wounded warrior in that case. War is hell. I’ve said it 1000 times. Whether you’re a hero in the Middle East fighting the evil of the world, or an almost 22 year old (friendly birthday reminder) writer who spends his night mass murdering mice, you can relate on some level. So with that all said, and having my war achievements speak for themselves, here’s my thoughts.

I think trans people should be allowed in the military, but not for the reasons you’d expect. Yea, I guess anyone brave enough to risk their life for our country so I can spend my day searching for random articles on Reddit to make fun of deserves our support, regardless of sexual orientation. That makes sense. But I’ll go a step further. I think trans people are a huge asset for our military, even more than traditional soldiers. Let me explain.

First, according to the same people that are banning Trans people from the military, trans people are deadly in bathrooms. Apparently anytime a trans person walks in a bathroom they turn into Rambo. So much to the point that those people are literally scared to pee next to them. So my reasoning is, if these Trans people are so deadly and dangerous in bathrooms, imagine what they could do on the battlefield? In the past, the terrible dangers of trans people have been secluded to public bathrooms (weird, right?). Like I bet you know a ton of people who have been assaulted by someone transgender. Now take that instinct to kill and put that against ISIS. Boom. Wars over before dinner.

Secondly, I’m pretty sure ISIS is anti-trans. I don’t think they regularly publish a prospectus of their views, but I’m pretty sure they’re not huge fans of the LGFTB9/11FSD420LFKJ69SDLF:J community. They’re not exactly “progressive” people. I would assume there aren’t many pride marches going on in Saudi Arabia. So how humiliating would it be for them to get beat in battle by a bunch of shemales? Could you imagine the shame they would feel after retreating and having to explain what happened to their leaders? “Abdul what did the enemy look like? Where they hidden in camo?” “No sir, but they were wearing belling shirts and assless chaps.” Imagine losing a war with Lady Gaga playing in the background?

Lastly, doesn’t “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Military Edition” have a great ring to it? Talk about must watch television. So I really don’t see an issue with trans people in the military. The Romans and Scottish wore skirts to war, we can too.

PS: Shoutout to me for using the correct term for transvestites. I cut out like 10 tranny jokes and it wasn’t easy. Typical me, changing with the times and accepting people that are different than me. Can’t wait for my kids to read about me in their history books.

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