So Friday afternoon I went golfing for the first time in about three years. I didn’t have a ton of golf experience going in, but I’m white, so I was pretty certain I’d pick it up pretty quickly. Golf teeters the line between a sport and a hobby, which is why it’s really cornered the market for out of shape white guys. It’s also a great opportunity to wear a visor un-ironically in public, so I really couldn’t say no. Anyway, after playing a full 9 holes, I feel that I’m qualified to give some useful advice to the golf community.
Assert yourself as the driver of the golf cart early on
I’m not sure why, but driving a golf cart is my favorite activity in the world. So much freedom. No seatbelt. No DUIs. Tight corners. Honestly everything you can ask for. It’s basically NASCAR without the incest. Because of that, make sure you assert yourself as the golf cart driver within the first two holes.
Don’t drive the golf cart on the green
As someone who’s not an avid golfer, I was not that knowledgeable on golf cart etiquette. Apparently, you can’t just drive the cart right on the green. With that being said, I may or may not have done that on the first hole. My bad boy instincts just took over and it just made sense. Within a second of touching the green with my cart, the golf course Nazi’s rolled up and gave me a stern talk. After that, I had a target on my back for the rest of the day. The golf Gestapo were all over me. The thing is though I loved it. Not many people can walk on a golf course and immediately be put on their terrorist watch list. I was literally public enemy #1. I honestly haven’t ruled out racial profiling. That’s how good my tan is. #BlackLivesMatter. Basically the Tre’von Martin of the golf community. RIP Tupac.
Make up an injury early on
It’s always a good idea to throw out an excuse early on that you can fall back on throughout the round. I had tendinitis junior year of high school, so that’s always my go to. Really gets in the way of my form. You gotta really sell it though. Mention it subtly in the car ride over, and maybe even the night before. It’s like when you fake call out sick for work, and you cough a little extra the day before. Works every time.
If your ball lands in a tough spot, sneakily kick the ball as far as you can when no one’s watching
Just a veteran move on my part. Wait til no one’s watching, and then kick your ball as many times as it takes to get the ball in a reasonable spots. Technically I don’t think it’s illegal (it definitely is), but it’s just part of the dark side of golf. Sort of a don’t ask, don’t tell type situation. Every man for himself. Deny Deny Deny.
Carry an extra ball in your pocket at all times
Always have an extra ball in your pocket. If you’re like me, you’ll hit the ball in the woods on almost every hole. When this happens, my go to move is to pretend to look for it for a couple minutes, sneakily take the ball out of your pocket, drop it, then act like you found the original ball. Sort of a “win at all costs” type tactic.
Putting is for cowards
Once I get the ball on the green, I call it a hole. Not trying to go mini golfing. Putting is gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I came here to hit golf balls as hard as I can into the woods and quietly blackout. Putting is only acceptable if you have to hit it under a windmill.
Cheat at every chance you get
If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. Whatever score you get on a hole, subtract at least two strokes. Numbers never lie. Golf is expensive, so if I’m spending that much money, I’m leaving with a good score no matter what. Anytime anyone asks what stroke you’re on, just say the next shot is for par. Foolproof if you ask me. Anything more is too cocky, and anything less is just a waste.
So take this advice and you’ll be John Daly in no time. Golf is great because it’s a great way to trick yourself that you’re still athletic. Also drinking really helps.