My Guide to Surviving a Nuclear Attack

Unless you live in a bomb shelter, you’ve probably heard about the increasing tension between the U.S. and North Korea, and how we’re apparently on the verge of a nuclear war. Personally, I don’t see North Korea as a huge threat, as we can throw them off the map with a push of a button, but they’re kinda backed by China who scares the shit out of me.

With all that, I care about my readers. I want everyone to be prepared for the worst, if somehow the world becomes a game of Tanks. Just for you guys, I have developed a guide on what to do in the event of a nuclear attack. Please read carefully, and don’t be afraid to take notes.

Get in the habit of wearing sunscreen 

Sort of a precautionary tactic here. From my extensive research of Hiroshima (did a project on it in 7th grade), a radioactive burn is basically a fancy word for sun poisoning. So I think it’s a good idea to start putting on some heavy duty, high level SPF sunscreen before you go outside every day. Like if the Japanese had some aloe, I’m not sure that we win WW2. I guess failing to prepare really is preparing to fail.

Invest in a nice pair of sunglasses

Nuclear bombs are definitely bright as shit. Like I’ve only seen black and white videos of it, but it’s no doubt a bit of a light show. If we get a bombed dropped on us, I at least want to be able to watch the explosion. Everyone will be like “OMG, so many people died”. And I’ll be like “Yea but the explosion was pretty cool”so sort of a trade off. I’m a big silver lining guy. I also need a new pair of sunglasses anyway, so this sort of validates the purchase.

Buy and store a lot of Domino’s

I’m 90% sure Domino’s pizza can survive anything. There are already so many chemicals in that pizza, what’s a little radiation gonna do to it? I’m convinced if you left a Domino’s pizza out for a week, it would be in the exact same shape it was when it came out of the oven (I might have personal experience to back this up).

When you go to class/work, sit under your desk and refuse to sit anywhere else. 

Back in the day when we were about to blow up/get blown up by Russia, everyone was taught that if there was a nuclear attack, to hide under your school desk, that already probably had a bunch of lead and asbestos in it. I still consider that a fool proof plan. Like all the Japanese had to do was hide under their desks and they’d be good. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.

Quickly change all the maps in the world 

I feel like North Korea doesn’t have a ton of their own computer technology, so I’m 90% convinced that they get all their information from Google. With that said, I think all we have to do is have Google change Google Maps and switch the United States with North Korea. After we do that, we piss of North Korea enough that they finally push the big red button. Then boom, they bomb themselves. Mental Warfare 101. Problem solved, and we go back to the good old days where Trump can concentrate on making fun of Jeb Bush and the entire media.


PS: I had a really stupid thought today, and wondered why North Korea can’t reach the Eastern U.S. if we were able to reach Japan 70 years ago. That’s on me. Everyone makes mistakes, I’m just man enough to admit it.


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