Fall is sort of overrated

As the season begins to change, and the weather begins to decline with my health, I see more and more people posting about how excited they are for the fall. Not me. While I’ll agree that Fall is the most ascetically pleasing season, all the activities that take place during Autumn are enormously over-hyped. This holds especially true for dates that girls want to go on during this season. I don’t know why, but the minute the temperature begins to drop in September, girls turn into mixes of Steven King and Davey Crocket, and randomly become obsessed with Halloween/outdoors stuff. Stuff like this:

Apple picking

I’ve never gotten the thrill of apple picking. I went apple picking on a field trip in first grade once, and to me, it felt a lot like child labor. We were packed on a bus, taken to a field, and were told to pick as many apples as we can. I’m hesitant to use the S word, but you replace apples with cotton, and the school bus with a ship, and all of a sudden we’re back in the 1700’s. I’ll take my reparations to go, please.

Haunted Houses

Haunted houses might be the lamest activity of them all. They’re also expensive as heck. If I’m paying $30 for a haunted house I better get raped. We live in a scary world, so it takes a lot to scare me. Clowns and ghosts just don’t cut it anymore. I want to fear for my life in that haunted house. I want to leave with mental scaring.

Hayrides

There’s nothing better than sitting on a pile of grass in a pickup truck while my allergies flare up like chlamydia the first weekend of college. Hayrides are the epitome of white trash. The phrase “needle in a haystack” has taken on a whole different connotation with this whole opioid crisis.

Buying Pumpkins

I’ve never understood the obsession with pumpkins. They have zero lifespan. You buy one, and then by the time you get home the thing is green. Carving them is the most complicated event ever, at least for me. I don’t know why, but you give me a knife and a pumpkin and all of a sudden I turn into Michael J Fox. I’m 22, and pumpkin smashing still makes 100% sense to me. It feels like a civil service more than anything.

Pumpkin flavored everything

Pumpkins also taste gross, and I’m sick of people acting like pumpkin flavored food and drinks are good. They’re not. The true test to tell if something is actually good is if it can be consumed during anytime of the year. For example, buffalo chicken can be eaten in the hot sun or an igloo. Four Lokos, same deal. Pumpkin spice has like three good days. if you ask me, it’s demise will come with global warming. Have fun drinking your pumpkin spiced lattes when it’s eighty degrees in October.

 

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