Although I’m at the top of my game mentally and spiritually, I am man enough to admit that my physical prowess has been lacking as of lately. I haven’t worked out in a year, and during that time, have eaten approximately zero vegetables. I ate broccoli last night, and only because my mom wouldn’t let me leave the dinner table until after I had one.
Despite thriving in an environment that few would dare to venture in, I’ve come to the realization that it’s not sustainable. My Kenyan runner metabolism won’t be here forever. I mean it might, but probably not. With that, I’ve come to the realization that moving home is a great opportunity to start living like a normal human being. Living at home actually eliminates a lot of factors that normally drive me to be an absolute jellybean. These factors include:
- Eating pasta for dinner every night because it’s the only thing I know how to cook
- Not working out because I don’t have any clean gym clothes
- Peer pressure to drink early (jk I usually make that decision on my own)
With my mom cooking me food and doing my laundry, as well as not having a Dominos in walking distance, I can finally start my 12 step program to being a functioning human. I also want to be clear that I’m not doing this because I’m getting fat or something. I’m still lean as shit, and my swimmer’s body fails to quit. I just wake up everyday and generally feel not okay, and I sort of want that to stop. Once again, I’m not fat. Thiccc? Maybe. But only in all the right places.
With all that said, today, I’m back on my bullshit. I went running yesterday, and went to the gym this morning at 6:30 am (3:30 am on the West Coast nbd). After working out this morning, I think I’m a gym guy now. I think that might be my new thing. Do I enjoy it? Absolutely not, but it gives me more content to write about. Like I’m about to get into really good shape as a joke. Honestly, I’m not above developing an eating disorder just to write a blog about it. Eating disorders aren’t (that) funny, but me getting one would be.
Now that I’m a fitness freak, I feel that it’s only fair to give everyone a warning about what’s about to happen once I start getting in shape:
I’m not joking when I say that once I get in decent shape, I’ll be in the running for America’s 100 sexiest men. Picture Ryan Gosling with more school shooter jokes. I’m talking boy band status. Lance Bass but not as gay. I think I might even start a fitness account on Instagram. Start selling green tea and vitamin supplements and shit.
So I guess I’m a gym guy now. Look out for me walking around campus with shaker bottles and gallons of water.
Completely unrelated, but if anyone has steroid connections, please send me an email. It’s for a school project. Thanks.
Also shout out to me for being so not gay that I was comfortable enough to scroll through a bunch of pics of ripped guys on Google images to find a cover picture. The kid behind me in the library was definitely confused. Not my problem.