The Red Sox cheated in the lamest way possible

For decades, spying on another team has been as much a part of baseball’s gamesmanship as brushback pitches and hard slides. The Boston Red Sox have apparently added a modern — and illicit — twist: They used an Apple Watch to gain an advantage against the Yankees and other teams.

Investigators for Major League Baseball have determined that the Red Sox, who are in first place in the American League East and very likely headed to the playoffs, executed a scheme to illicitly steal hand signals from opponents’ catchers in games against the second-place Yankees and other teams, according to several people briefed on the matter.

Is this the lamest, most nerdy way to cheat? I mean, I knew baseball was a dying sport, but this just solidifies that stance. Baseball is boring by nature, but now the cheating isn’t even cool. Long gone are the glory days of cheating. Steroids and pine tar are now just a distance memory overwritten by a bunch of tech nerds with watches.

Stealing signs is nothing new, and everyone does it, it just sucks that the Red Sox got caught. Like how obvious must it have been when the other teams just saw guys playing with mini iPads mid game? What did they think they were doing? Checking their email mid game? Swiping through Tinder? I’m starting to think they wanted to get caught. I’m not ruling out that this is a whole marketing scheme by Apple. Apple Watches really had no use before this, so maybe this was Apple’s way of showing that these armbands really are worth paying an exuberant amount of money for.

The biggest mistake that baseball made was banning steroids. The steroid era was the best era, and there’s really no argument. Watching Roger Clemens sweat his way through press conferences was better than any baseball game I’ve been to in the last ten years. Arod trying to explain why he spends so much time with his random “cousin” in Cuba was a pennant race of it’s own. There was nothing better than seeing Barry Bonds randomly put on 50 pounds of muscle during one winter and no one batting an eye. Because like it or not, baseball needs steroids.

In my opinion, steroids are a huge untapped market for entertainment for the MLB, and I’m not even talking about more hits and home runs. I need steroids to be a whole sideshow. Like a WWE type story line. I want players going through mood swings mid game. I want to see guys start lactating through their jerseys during the 7th inning. That’s real baseball. That’s America’s game.

So hopefully this cheating story passes over and we can get back to my favorite activity, not watching baseball. Let me know when the Red Sox are in the playoffs, and maybe I’ll put them on in the background. Win, steals sign with your Apple Watch, Repeat.

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