As someone who’s legally been able to enter bars and buy alcohol for over a year, I have to say, the privilege has become lost on me. I take it for granted. When I get ID’d, I don’t think anything of it. I go full autopilot when I walk into the liquor store, and borderline sleepwalk myself to the Four Loko/Mad Dog/Homeless people alcohol section. Overall, buying alcohol just isn’t cool for me anymore. The honeymoon is over. Going to the liquor store is a chore now, rather than the adventure it used to be.
Everyone knows I’m most comfortable living outside of the law. I prosper in the shadows. I thrive under the cover of darkness. That’s why I think I might start using a fake ID again. I miss the game too much. I miss the thrill of being someone else. I miss walking into a liquor store and putting on an Oscar winning performance. I finally understand why it’s so hard for professional athletes to retire. You have to be ready to step away from your craft, and personally, I’m just not there yet. It’s just not time. I still have plenty left in the tank.
With all that said, I’ve started to plan my comeback tour. The thing is, I don’t want to make it easy on myself. I’m older, bolder, and a completely different animal than I was just a couple years ago. I want a challenge. I want a 30 for 30 made about this. I want to do something that could be made into a Vice documentary. This is my moment.
How will I challenge myself, you might ask? Well, I’ve already started to brainstorm some ideas to push myself to places I’ve never been before, and to summits only few dare to reach. With that, here’s my plan for my new fake ID:
I will order a Fake ID from the sketchiest website possible:
Could I easily just get a duplicate of a real ID of someone that looks similar to me? Yea, I guess, but have fun trying to impersonate this jawline. Good luck finding someone who can grow my Clooney scruff. These sex eyes don’t grow on trees. Because of that, I’ve decided I’m going to order an ID right from the internet. I’m talking the whole process you did when you were sixteen where someone has to wire money to some random guy in China, then wait two months for the ID to come hidden in a Samurai sword or something.
The most challenging part about these ID’s is that they’re made out of borderline cardboard. That’s the risk I’m trying to take. I want to walk up to a bouncer and look him dead in the eye while he bends around my ID made out of plywood.
The picture on the ID will be a black guy:
Now I get that this is starting to sound impossible, but I think this part is where it will really work. Think about it. I get ID’d, I hand my license to the bouncer. He looks at it, and automatically realizes I’m not black. I’m done, right? Not so fast, guess who’s about to be accused of racial profiling? Yep, the bouncer. Oh I’m not black? Let’s see what the NAACP has to say about that. Now the balls in his court. In his mind, this can go either two ways.
The first scenario is that I’m somehow actually black. If he thinks that’s the case, he’ll let me in immediately, because nothing ends a career quicker than being tagged as a racist. If he calls me out for not being black, I’ll just tell him it’s 2017 and it’s sad that he still sees color. Sort of foolproof. The second scenario, is that he doesn’t believe that I’m black, but knows not to mess with a white kid who’s willing to pull something like this. White kids are crazy, and I might even show up in a trench coat to drive that point home.
The name on my ID will be “Adolf Hitler”
This will be done to draw attention away from the fact that my ID has a picture of a black guy on it. Is it believable that my name would be Adolf Hilter? No. That’s why I’ll get three backup Hitler cards. I’m not above opening a bank account under the name of the guy who tried to take out an entire race.
Also once again, no one messes with a guy named Hitler. History repeats itself.
According to the ID, I will be 56 years old:
This actually might be believable. I haven’t shaved in like a week, and every weekend takes a year off my life, so in all honestly I might look like a middle aged man, which makes sense since I’ve always wooed and attracted older mature women.
My height on the ID will be 4’12”:
Sort of a brain teaser here. This is more of a test. If the bouncer is smart enough to realize that 4’12” is the same as 5′, then I’m probably going to have a problem to get it. If he doesn’t realize that, then I still have a fighting chance. This is basically a litmus test to see if the bouncer can read, and do basic math. I’m honestly banking on the bouncer being dyslexic.
I still won’t be an organ donor:
Some things don’t change. Gotta remember where you came from.
So if everything goes as I plan, I’ll be at The Harp next weekend, not as the young internet icon that everyone is used to, but as Adolf Hitler, the 56 year old legal midget who’s also black (not that it matters).