I would not mind being deported

Obviously a big topic of discussion lately is immigration in America, especially concerning our spicy neighbors to the south. Some people live in a fantasy world and think everyone should travel freely between borders, while others are being dicks and want to spend millions of dollars on deporting people and breaking up families. Those are the only two options I guess. Choose your side wisely, because God forbid you come up with you’re own thoughts and opinions on the situation. Independent thinking is for nerds anyway.

The most recent issue with the whole deportation thing is the DACA program. I’m not sure what it is, and research is for idiots, but I think it has something to do with children of illegal immigrants getting a free pass because it’s a nice thing to do. I guess that makes sense. Everyone is freaking out now, since Trump is pushing to get rid of the program, which would lead to the deportation of a bunch of little Mexicans, or as people now call “dreamers”. The term needs a little work, in my opinion. It’s a little gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Although I understand how tough the situation might be on these kids, I’ll admit, I’m a little jealous. I’m currently writing this at 8am on a Monday, and the best case scenario for me right now, is if Immigration comes storming into the library and carries me away. I literally day dream about it. I would not say no to being deported. Think about all the pros:

Nice Weather:

It’s nice in Boston right now, but we’re a couple hours away from winter. In my opinion, this is the best time to be deported. It’s like when your grandparents go to Florida for the winter, except not at all. Have fun shoveling snow, I’ll be playing shuffle board in some Mexican village.

Excuse not to go to class:

Does getting deported count as an excused absence? It doesn’t say anything about it in the syllabus. Imagine writing the email “Hi Professor, Unfortunately, I cannot make it to class today, or actually, ever. I got deported, and the Wifi here in Mexico is a little shaky, so it’s been tough to get on Blackboard. I’ll get the notes from someone.”

I can work on my tan:

With the weather getting cooler, and the sun getting further away from the Earth (I think that’s what happens?), beach season is sadly over. That means that it will become next to impossible to keep up my tan. My Christiano Ronaldo skin is about to go full Ed Sheeran mode. My only hope is that I get deported. Yea I probably won’t ever see my family or friends ever again, but I’ll be bronzed as shit.

I can finally join the Cartel:

Anyone who knows me knows how much I dream about joining a drug cartel. Probably one of my top three fantasies. I don’t why, but I just feel like I’d be a huge asset to the entire operation. I’m quick on my feet, I’m a fast thinker, and I can work on my website from anywhere, so travel won’t be an problem. My only issue is that I suck at climbing fences, which might be a deal breaker for them. I was always that kid growing up who couldn’t climb the fence and had to walk around. I feel like fence climbing is a big part of smuggling drugs, so that might not be ideal.

So with all those pro’s added up, I really don’t see the big deal about getting deported. I’m considering leaving class early today and turning myself in. Where do I go to do that? Home Depot?

So am I a Dreamer? Yea. A Dreamer who dreams about being deported so I don’t have to go to class today.

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