TFATB Official iPhone X product review

If you’re one of those tech nerds, you probably came your pants when the new iPhone dropped yesterday. I for one, had no clue that a new iPhone was coming out, as I have better things to care about, such as wooing women, and being the best blog entrepreneur that I can be. The two actually go hand and hand together.

Anyway, as someone who’s (whom’s? idk) social commentary is more important and better than everyone else’s, I feel the need to put my opinion out about the new iPhone, so here it goes.

First we have the name “iPhone X”, which I’m sort of down for. I’m more of a letter guy than a numbers guy, so I’m actually all about this. My biggest hope is that they continue with the “X” theme and just keep adding X’s to their new models. If that’s the case, I cannot wait for the iPhone XXX. I assume some features for that model would include an automatic inPrivate internet browsing, and the device would also be set to vibrate, no matter what.

Secondly, we have the absence of the home button. This could be problematic, as it might be triggering to orphans and homeless people. Then again, I feel like neither are target demographics for Apple, so they might be in the clear.

To add to that, Apple added something called portrait lighting. I’m not sure what it is, but it sounds like a fancy (gay) word for flash. Being the marketing savant that I am, I’m not letting some big artistic words change my opinion on the flash button. I’m what you call an “informed consumer”. It will still be the same process. You take one picture without the flash, and one picture with the flash. That will never change, so easy with this “portrait” talk, Apple.

The biggest advancement that Apples makes with the new device, is the face recognition feature. This one, in my opinion, is my biggest worry. Most people are probably concerned with this new feature because it could be seen as an invasion of privacy, since this is a way for one of the biggest companies in the world to collect more data on people. Despite that concern, I have a different issue.

My main issue, is I’m not sure that there’s an algorithm in the world that could keep up with my face. It’s gonna take more than a couple lines of code to be able to handle this jaw line. My cheek structure is a cheat code of it’s own, and my Kylie Jenner lips could crash NASA, let alone a lowly iPhone.

So does this new iPhone model wow me? No, but nothing really does these days. When you spend as much time on the internet as I do, it take a lot for something to stir me. So until the new iPhone can double as a grenade, or at least block the Domino’s app anytime after 1am, I’ll still be unimpressed.

 

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