Over the weekend, I came across an article that went viral around Facebook concerning a dad giving his son 30 rules to live by. I saw a bunch of moms tag their sons in the post, as if some random guy’s inspirational blog post will finally be that one thing to change your son’s life around. Like a Facebook notification will make up for years of being a shitty parent. Whatever. Keep racking up those likes, Debra.
Anyway, I found the list to be a bit too derivative and unoriginal for my liking. It was all about giving firm handshakes and being nice to girls, but in my opinion, it came up short on real applicable advice. Advice that you find yourself needing when you’re outside a 7/11 at 3am. Words of wisdom that you find useful when it’s Sunday at 4pm and you haven’t left your room yet. So that’s where I come in. I took it upon myself to give my own 30 rules of advice for my future son, assuming that I’m not sterile from the impressive amount of nut shots I took in middle school.
Tim’s 30 rules to his unborn son:
It’s acceptable to shit your pants once a year
This is the current standard I hold myself to. In this day and age, it’s somewhat looked down upon to soil yourself in public. With that said, it happens. The question now is, how often is it acceptable to shit your pants? I average around 1 a year, with some years being better than others (2012 was a rollercoaster), so I feel like that’s a solid baseline number to go by.
Take the middle seat.
When getting in a packed car, most people are hesitant to get in the middle seat. Those people are idiots. I always take middle. At first glance, most small minded people would think this would be a nightmare for my dancer legs, but it’s actually quite the opposite. Sitting in the middle seat lets you spread your legs like you’re at a OB GYN appointment (I think that’s what happens?), while everyone else is cramped up against the doors. Also don’t be afraid to pull the Scarface maneuver and stretch your arms around the other two people. This establishes dominance.
Washing your hands after you pee is a sign of weakness
Anyone who washes their hands after peeing is a sucker looking to get sick. In theory, washing your hands seems clean, but once you touch everything, you leave dirtier than you started. I also pee hands free (it’s taken practice), so there’s really no need for me to wash up anyway.
Never be afraid to flip off a complete stranger
If you sleep with a t shirt or long pants you’re a creep
If you’re over the age of six, and still wear any type of pajamas, I’m throwing you out of the house. Grow up and sleep in your underwear like the men that came before you.
Never carry an umbrella
I’m not sure why, but I’m still convinced I’m tougher than rain. This might be more of a personal flaw than good advice. Take it as you wish.
Never order a small pizza/sub. It’s called leftovers.
I wrote a piece about this a while ago, but ordering a small pizza should get you on the terrorist watch list. Get a large and save the leftovers you imbecile.
Judge people immediately
Always read a book by it’s cover. That way you never have to read a book in your life. Sparknotes mentality.
If he goes for the handshake, go for the dap. If he goes for the dap, go for the handshake
This is just classic mental warfare.
Always keep people on their toes.
No need to go into detail about this.
When it comes to athletics, never pass up an opportunity to cheat
If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. All the great athletes have cheated, and if you want to be the best, you better catch up. As my son, you’re not going to be gifted with the best physical abilities. Yea you’ll be mentally untouchable, but it’s up to you to use those capabilities to tear down people above you.
Learn to count cards
This is a skill I feel like everyone should have. I watched that card counting movie with Kevin Spacey the other night, and I think that might be my new career path. How good would “Proficient in card counting” look on my resume?
Learn how to pirate movies online
This is as important as ever, now that it costs like $300 to rent a movie on demand.
If someone offers you drugs, pocket it and sell it
This is just good business. Buy low sell high.
Get a bookie ASAP
It’s important to have multiple streams of income, especially at a young age. The best way to do that, in my opinion, is getting into hardcore gambling early. Start looking for a bookie ASAP, preferably one who wears a scaly cap. That’s how you know he’s legit.
No one ever regrets drinking early
Don’t see how this could ever go wrong.
Credit card money isn’t real
If you live like me, which I assume you will, you won’t have much time on this earth. Live like there’s no tomorrow, because a heart attack is always right around the corner.
Vegetables are a scam
Get a gun
Shoot first ask questions later
Never wear a helmet while bike riding
Definitely the easiest way to not get bullied. Also the fastest way to learn how to ride a bike. Oh you don’t want to fall and hit your head? Better learn how to ride pretty quickly then.
Don’t use a crosswalk
Crosswalks are for blind people. You shouldn’t need a machine to tell you how to walk. Use your instincts, and don’t be afraid to get hit by a car or two. We’ll need the insurance money.
Always have an excuse ready
I cannot stress how important this is. Always have an out for every situation. Your friend asks you to help him move, have an excuse about a bad back in your pocket. You forget to write a paper, guess who’s grandmother conveniently died over the weekend?
Lying fixes everything
Deny, Deny, Deny
If you ever get in any trouble with the law, you’re first instinct should be run. Always run, but not before you push over the kid next to you. If you do grow up to be a huge pussy and get caught, the next step is to deny everything. Do you’re best Tom Hanks impression and play dumb.
Never be the slowest/weakest one in a group
Like I said above, you never want to be the last one over the fence. Make friends accordingly.
Try your best to be white
This one is sort of up to chance, but in this social climate, I would definitely recommend being white. Things are not looking great for everyone else. Karma will come around eventually for us whites, but we’ll worry about that some other time.
So hopefully some young, impressionable, and molding minds will come across this, and I can change some lives for the better. That’s what I do this all for anyway. The kids. And the Troops. Both sides.