Like the informed citizen I am, as well as someone who never stops learning, I like to start every day by perusing the web for world news. Being the open minded (not in a gay way) individual I am, I like to get both sides of the story, so I read both CNN and Fox News. Usually they tend to attack stories from different angles, but today, they were eerily similar.
Basically, writers from both sites are spending their whole day dropping hypotheticals about how World War 3 will eventually come to fruition. Some believe the threat is real, some believe this is just the media hyping up meaningless speculation. But I, like always, have a bit of an alternative view from the rest of the world.
See, most people lean away from a potential nuclear world war, but not me. For me, it’s actually the opposite. There’s nothing I’d love more right now than a nuclear world war. Here’s why:
First off, I’m so sick of the war in the Middle East. That war is so dragged out and overplayed, it’s not even cool anymore. We first invaded the Middle East when I was in first grade. I could barely read. Now I’m 22, we’re still in the Middle East, and I can still barely read. Like, I don’t even know if the government remembers that it’s still happening. I feel like the government spends money on the war like I spend money on Spotify or other monthly subscriptions. It’s like when you check your bank balance, and you see that Apple took out $10 for music, and you’re like “oh shit, I forgot I pay for that”. That’s what the U.S. Government’s been doing for the last 20 years with this war, except instead of ten dollars it’s more like 180 billion.
The U.S. is at war for the same reason I have Hulu, we both forgot to cancel the free trial. One day I saw that my trial ran out, and I was like, “fuck it, I’ll stay, they have Seinfeld”. Same with The U.S. Government and the war. They didn’t find weapons of mass destruction and were like “fuck it, I’ll stay, they have oil”. So if a third world war will get us to move on from the Middle East to North Korea, than I’m all in. Let’s start a new chapter, and start destroying a different shitty part of the world.
Secondly, food rations would not be the worst thing for the people of the United States, considering the overall physical state of our people. We have an obesity problem. That’s not exactly a secret, considering TLC fills most of it’s airtime with the epidemic. That issue would end real quick, if a world war started and we had to start rationing food. Don’t believe me? Go watch any World War 2 documentary. I guarantee you won’t see one fat person in the whole film. World War 2 had it’s downsides, but it did stimulate the economy and weight loss.
Thirdly, I feel like as a generation, we’ve been sort of shafted when it comes to world wars. You hear stories of 17 year olds storming Normandy, their father’s fought in the trenches during WW1, and I’m sitting here, 22, and not a single world war under my belt. Growing up, I feel like everyone’s grandfathers had war stories. They told heroic tales of battle and triumph in their 100 degree kitchens, while the TV played on full volume in the other room. What am I going to tell my grandkids? “Grampa, do you have any war stories.” “Well one time, I drunkenly DM’d a girl on Instagram and she never answered. We lost a lot of good men that day.”
Lastly, as much damage as wars tend to leave, they do make some pretty damn good movie material. Yea, tons of young men died storming the beaches of Normandy, but have you seen “Saving Private Ryan”? I’m not saying it was an equal trade off, but it definitely lightens the blow. So while most people are trying to avoid a world war at all costs, I’m sort of looking forward to one.