As everyone knows by now, I pride myself on being a financial mastermind. Warren Buffet, but not about to die. Bernie Madoff, but less of a dick. In addition to that, I’ve been actively looking for creative ways to expand the site and the TFATB brand. I have a podcast in the works, and am interviewing a mystery guest on Friday. There’s a TFATB mobile app currently under construction. And lastly, I’m writing, producing, directing, and staring in a documentary about the new podcast, and the behind the scenes aspect of trying to produce a podcast, when I literally don’t know how to turn on a Mac Computer, let alone use editing software.
With that, the company financial statements have been looking a bit weak. Ad revenue really only covers the cost of hosting the website, and maybe a Four Loko or two if I have a good week. This is where my next venture comes in. Introducing TFATB Investments, a new way to get rich. Now, I understand that some people might not see me as someone capable of investing other people’s money, mostly because I’m a huge wild card, and make most of my decisions in life based off of pure emotions. True, but also fuck off.
My new investment vehicle is like nothing you have ever seen before. Picture a hybrid between the Markowitz Theory and gambling. That’s innovation. That’s 21st century finance. Please see my prospectus below for a deep dive into my investment strategy (I copied all the legal stuff from a Fidelity mutual fund, bad boy life). Introducing, the TFATB Mutual Fund
TFATB Mutual Fund
Like securities of all mutual funds, these securities have not been approved or disapproved by the Securities and Exchange Commission, and the Securities and Exchange Commission has not determined if this prospectus is accurate or complete. Any representation to the contrary is a criminal offense.
- Straight cash, Homie.
Principal Investment Strategy
Unlike a typical mutual fund, TFATB stays away from traditional securities such as stocks and bonds. Due to the systematic risk and volatility that comes with investing in equity securities, as well as the fact that I didn’t pay that much attention in my Investment class, I feel that an alternative route will allow me to seek higher returns for my valued clients.
In lieu of these traditional methods, I am implementing the first ever Large Cap Lottery Ticket Mutual Fund. A traditional mutual fund pools a large amount of money from a vast amount of investors, and invests that sum into stocks, bonds and short term debt. With the Large Cap Lottery Ticket Mutual Fund, we will still pool money from different investors, but will invest the money into strictly scratch tickets, and possibly Keno.
Idk. I guess however many scratch tickets I buy.
Principal Investment Risks
This section is very important to read. This is absolutely a Ponzi Scheme, which in the United States, is considered fraud. That being said, it’s only fraud if you don’t disclose to your investors that you are running a Ponzi Scheme. If you are transparent about your intentions with your investors, and your clients agree to the terms, then technically a Ponzi Scheme is actually 100% legal. So no big deal, I just created the first ever legal Ponzi Scheme.
So with that being said, below are the risks associated with investing with TFATB:
- It’s a Ponzi Scheme
- Inflation Risk
- It’s a Ponzi Scheme involving scratch tickets
- Interest Rate Risk
- I don’t even know how to correctly run a Ponzi Scheme
In order to find the expected return of the fund, I’ll be using the Capital Asset Pricing Model. The formula is as follows:
Expected return = risk free rate + Beta of the security * (Expected Market Return – risk free rate)
For the risk free rate, we’ll use the the 10 year T-Bill rate of 2.31%. For Beta, we’ll use 1, because I’m not doing a fucking regression analysis for a blog. Finding the expected market return of the scratch ticket is tough, so I’ll just use the current PowerBall jackpot. With the current Jackpot at $66 million, we find that the rate of return on a $20 scratch ticket is 329,999,900.00%. Not bad. With that, we find an expected return of:
Let’s just turn a blind eye to the whole “Tax” thing. Taxes are confusing as shit, and I dropped my Accounting concentration, so who cares.
If you are interested in investing, Venmo me @TimMcCue, and once the fund value reaches $20, I’ll buy a $20 scratch ticket, or 10, $2 tickets, or whatever I’m feeling that day. If I win, I’ll split the winnings proportionately to however much you invested. For example, if you invested $10, you’d be entitled to 50% of the gains.
So to wrap everything up, there really aren’t any downsides to investing in this mutual fund, except the part where I can almost guarantee you that you’ll lose all your money. Then again, I’ve purchased three scratch tickets in my life, and won nothing on any of them, so I’m sort of due to hit pretty soon. Basically free money.