CEO of Alibaba performs full Michael Jackson routine at company event

Alibaba’s founder surprises thousands by dressing up as Michael Jackson Alibaba’s founder surprises thousands by dressing up as Michael Jackson
11:16 AM ET Tue, 12 Sept 2017 | 01:08
Alibaba founder and executive chairman Jack Ma turned the company’s 18th birthday celebration into a thriller with a Michael Jackson-inspired dance performance.

The Alibaba founder began the Sept. 8 performance by entering the stage on a motorcycle incognito while wearing a gold-and-silver mask and military-style outfit. After channeling his inner King of Pop with a few splashy moves and poses, Ma pulled off the mask and revealed he was behind the dance moves. He then was joined by a group of Alibaba’s employees who awkwardly danced and clapped to a medley of the singer’s hits.

I can now add Alibaba to places I never want to work at. This is just too much for me. If a meeting goes five minutes late, I want to kill myself. I could not imagine what I’d do if I had to sit through my boss’s dance recital. If my boss can prance around stage in tights, then I can leave work at 4:30. I feel like that’s an equal trade off. Besides that, I am not about this at all. I can’t even stand when people attach memes to the end of emails. I don’t care about the funny picture you found on Facebook, Heather, I saw it six months ago. If any of my co-workers ever walk into work wearing a Michael Jackson outfit, I am out. I’m putting my two weeks in right then and there. Moonwalking doesn’t boost company morale. If anything, it boosts your ranking on the Chris Hanson’s radar.

This is just another installment of this new culture of companies trying to make work fun. Just stop. Work will never be fun. If I hear one more HR person talk about how they “work hard and play hard”, I’ll defecate in their conference room. I don’t care how many ping pong tables you have in the office, just pay me more money. I don’t even care if you treat me like a human being, just give me Veteran’s day off. I don’t care about your “chill” dress code. I’ll show up to work in a hazmat suit if you just stop emailing me on the weekends. No, I don’t want to go to the company outing, just let me sit at my desk with my headphones in ,while I stare at the same excel sheet for eight straight hours. That’s what you hired me for. I don’t go to work to make friends. Sorry I couldn’t make the after work get together for the 9th week in a row, something came up again where I had to hang out with people I like. Apologies for not wanting to spend my Thursdays milking a beer an hour so I don’t black out in front of every person I work with. Nothing personal.

And also, I say it because everyone else is thinking it: this is the most Asian thing ever. I’m not going to go into anymore detail about it, but it’s just textbook China. I feel bad for bringing it up, but at this point they’re just asking for it. Don’t want me to make fun of you? Don’t dress up like Michael Jackson. Maybe your economy would grow at the rate you lied about if you didn’t spend so much time putting on Michael Jackson tribute concerts. Now I know why all those Apple workers jump out of windows.

With that all said, I think I have to take it upon myself to shift the direction of corporate America. When TFATB eventually becomes the publicly traded, fraud filled, tax dodging monopoly that I dream of, I’ll instill my own culture. Here’s a little taste of that.

The office will be set at a normal fucking temperature 

Not once have I ever worked in an office where the temperature was somewhat normal. One day I’ll walk into an Igloo, and then the next day it feels like my cubicle is in Sub-Sahara Africa. I’m not sure why this is an issue, just set the thermostat to the high 60’s and walk away.

No weekly staff meetings

I can count how many times I’ve been sitting in a staff meeting and immediate realize that nothing on the agenda pertains to anything I do. That’s also probably because I never did anything, but I digress. I just can’t get my self to care about an update on a project that the London office is working on. Just get them better dental coverage and move forward.

There will be a decent coffee machine

Not trying to spend my  Monday morning drinking warm urine. That’s more of a weekend thing for me. Saturdays are for the boys.

Any food containing fish will be strictly banned

I don’t know how labor unions aren’t already on top of this. It’s quite simple if you ask me. Don’t bring dead fish into the office, let alone put it in the microwave. I’m not a huge fan of the office kitchen smelling like a softball bag in the backseat of a Subaru. Sort of a personal preference.

I will have a hot assistant 

Now before you call me sexist and misogynistic, I never specified the gender. This isn’t a sexual thing, I just prefer to work with good looking people. I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality to go out of my way and hire a hot guy. That just boosts morale in the office. Will there be weight requirements where people have to weigh in under a certain number to work for me? Of course not. It will be more of an eye test/judgement call.

So hopefully this is the next step in making work a little more bearable. If these policies interest you, please send your resume as well as your physical stats to my Instagram direct message.

 

 

 

 

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