Applebee’s selling $1 margaritas could prove problematic

Applebee’s® Neighborhood Grill + Bar will be offering $1 margaritas, known fondly as the Dollarita™, as part of the month-long national celebration of Applebee’s Neighborhood Appreciation Month. It’s seriously just $1 – 100 pennies, that’s all. Served on the rocks, these $1 margaritas are available from open to close at participating Applebee’s restaurants every day in October. Pair it with a selection of appetizers, a 2 for $20 meal, or late-night fare. There’s no better time to stop by Applebee’s and feel the love. Go ahead, put that dollar burning a hole in your pocket to good use and buy yourself something delicious.

Forget Fenway bars, forget Neds, forget the Harp, I’m getting a party bus to Applebee’s this weekend. I’m not joking when I say that this might be the only place I go for the next month. Have fun waiting in lines and paying covers, I’ll be walking down the Applebee’s red carpet untouched while everybody knows my name. Oh you got a happy hour to Howl? Nice, I’ve been hitting on a middle aged Applebee’s waitress for the last six hours. You ever pee your pants in a booth at a chain restaurant? Me neither, but that’s about to change.

I do feel a little victimized though. I feel like this campaign is clearly directed towards me. I’m they’re white whale. I’m they’re pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I also so happen to be currently scouting chain restaurants to sign to for the winter. The 99 near my house is under construction, TGI Fridays is on my enemy list after I waited 3 hours for endless apps, and I still don’t think I’m allowed inside a Chili’s (Pam Beasely type situation there). So with all that said, I think I might have to take my talents to Applebee’s.

Despite all of my excitement, I do see some issues with this new deal. Besides myself, I don’t think anyone in the history of casual dining with below average service has gone to an Applebee’s and drank for enjoyment. You don’t go to Applebee’s to have fun. You don’t go there to socialize. Have you ever seen a grown man smile at an Applebee’s. No. And if you do, get out of there fast. You don’t go to Applebee’s for a nice dinner. You go there to put yourself in the best situation possible to get a DUI. Applebee’s is basically a pregame for domestic assault. I’m surprised they don’t have a deal with the NFL.

Lots of people think racism was born in America. It wasn’t. It was born in an Applebee’s. The exact location has been debated, but we can all agree it happened. To add to that, Applebee’s workers get paid in cigarettes. Don’t believe me? Look at your nice waitress’ teeth the next time she hobbles over to your table. Yea, and her index and middle fingers are permanently crossed like that for a reason, and I don’t think it’s from playing the piano. If you smoked a cigarette every fifteen minutes during your work shift, your hands would look like Jason Pierre Paul’s as well. I think at this point, we’re all envisioning the exact same waitress that somehow works at every chain restaurant you’ve ever been in.

Regardless of Applebee’s flaw, I applaud them for thinking of the little guy. Joe Six Pack. The 9-5 grinders. The cube monkeys. Those are the real heroes (besides actual superheros, obviously). This one’s for you.

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