Weird News

Bank teller steals money from homeless man who brought in a trash bag of cash

A onetime bank teller in Washington, D.C., stole tens of thousands of dollars from a homeless customer who earned money as a street vendor, according to the U.S. Attorney’s Office.

Phelon Davis, 29, pleaded guilty Thursday in federal court to a charge of interstate transportation of stolen property, which carries a maximum prison sentence of 10 years.

Davis was working as a teller at a Wells Fargo branch in the upscale neighborhood of Georgetown, reports The Washington Post. In October 2014, a longtime bank customer, who was not named in court filings, tried to deposit thousands of dollars from a garbage bag into one of his accounts, but the accounts had gone dormant owing to inactivity.

“In reviewing the customer’s accounts, Davis noticed that the customer had a surprisingly large balance,” according to the U.S. attorney’s release. Davis instructed the customer to get identification documents and a Social Security card to reactivate the accounts. Davis then used that information to fraudulently open a new account in the customer’s name.

As a non-practicing homeless person, this story hits close to home (or lack of). This poor man was living my dream. He was running the streets, living with the mice, all while fattening up his net worth. Street vendor is in my top 3 when it comes to dream jobs. You can be your own boss, make your own hours, and even work from home. Tough to complain about your commute when you literally sleep under your work space. The grill was the original standing desk after all.

I would make a killing with it too. Just out there all day and night, pushing out hot dogs by the kilo. I’d be the Pablo Escobar of mystery meat, except a little less sweaty (not by much). I don’t know why more people don’t get in the street vendor game. The margins on that are out of control. You know how much it costs to buy hot dogs? Negative money. The last time I went to Stop and Shop, they paid me to take the hot dogs off their hands. Something about a health hazard. Who knows. The point is you’re losing money if you’re not investing in the hot dog gold rush.

Also, what’s up with everyone being so surprised with a homeless man having a lot of money? It’s called liquidity. Look it up. Not everyone dumps their life into a house and car like you simpletons. This guy’s smarter than he comes off. First, he’s completely off the grid. Can’t pay taxes if you don’t have a home address. That’s a fact. What is the IRS going to do? Evict you from the orange line? It’s basically like putting your money in an offshore account, except with more urine. Having that much cash on hand also allows him to do some alternative day trading, aka buying lottery tickets and playing Keno.

The more I think of it, I feel like getting the money stolen might have been part of the homeless man’s plan. I watched The Town last night, so I know how important it is to clean that dirty money. No better way to do that than bait a lowly bank teller into stealing it from you.

I also love the fact that he carries his money in a garbage bag. Just casually walking around hoboville with a bag that his whole life is in. That’s the definition of not giving a fuck. He can also use it as a weapon. Is there anything more baller than beating someone up with a bag of money? I mean there is, it’s not being homeless, but I digress.

Lastly, how about this bank teller having to resort to stealing money from a homeless man to make ends meet? Is there anything more depressing than being a bank teller? I think the last time I physically entered a commercial bank was to cash the $15 check my grandmother gave me for my 16th birthday. Not exactly the wolf of Wall Street. Some people go buy side, some go sell side, this guy just went, well, suicide.


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