I’m opening a babysitting company that’s definitely not a front for free child labor

Over the weekend, I came across some bad news. My posting for a intern/co-op on the Northeastern career page had been taken down. It’s disappointing and hurtful to be back stabbed like that by my own school, but nevertheless, I will persist. In reflection, I began to realize that I went about the whole process incorrectly. It was flawed, and I’m man enough to admit that. It’s refreshing for me to make a mistake once in a while, considering how perfectly I live my life, day in and day out.

Looking back, I realized that I was looking in the wrong place. Hiring a college student just wasn’t for me. In today’s environment, where most internships are paid or offer college credit, I just couldn’t compete. That’s why I’m shifting my recruiting focus, and am officially opening the first ever babysitting company that is also an internship.

What does this entail? Well, the way I see it, a reliable and safe babysitting experience is crucial for many working parents. The issue is, the children never truly gain anything from the programs. They waste all day sleeping, crying, and pooping their pants. Not anymore. Introducing TFATB Childcare/Work Release Program, where work sets you free (I’m not sure where I got that slogan from, but it’s catchy).

Since most of readers most likely don’t have children yet, I decided to go past the walls of my website, and create a profile on Care.com. I still have to pass the background check, but as long as they don’t see the hundreds of blogs on the internet filled with jokes about school shooter and criminals pooping their pants, I should pass with flying colors.

The first step was to select a picture, so I went with a classic. The black and white filter is of course to emphasize that I do not see color, and the mustache shows that I am mature, and not attracted to kids:

unnamed (3)

The next step was to create a description of the program:

care.com description

Lastly, I was tasked with listing my education and professional experience:

care.com education

So to summarize the program, basically, parents drop their children off, and pay me to put them to work doing all of the things that I don’t like doing for 8 hours a day, with absolutely no compensation. I would also like to emphasize the fact that this is definitely not free child labor, since the parents are paying me (at a very reasonable rate). This is no different than summer camp, school, or prison.

To go further into detail about the program, I have written some learning outcomes that come with completion of the program:

  • Increase ability to read not only books, but also defenses and people.
  • Acquire expert financial advice in the areas of sports gambling and scratch tickets
  • Learn necessary skills for cyberbullying and making fun of people online
  • Beginner level proficiency in texting girl

I’m excited to get this program rolling, and am looking forward to molding the young minds of the next generation. Once again, this is definitely not a front for child labor.

 

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