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My guide to stopping global warming

Although a debated topics in politics, science people say that global warming is real. After extensive research (googling if global warming is real), I came to the same conclusion. Even though I don’t really care about what happens to the earth after I die, and the fact that I would like some warmer weather, it’s still probably a good idea to try to stop the world from melting. At least for a little bit. With that, I’ve come up with a couple of my own ideas on how to stop global warming. Basically a younger Leo except I don’t vape (yet).

Cut down on exhaling/working out

This is so easy, I don’t know how anyone has thought of it yet. When you work out, you breathe heavier and more frequently, releasing more carbon dioxide into the air. As a result, every workout you do is contributing to the destruction of our earth. By my calculations, every 5k race kills two polar bears. Hows that make you feel, murderers? The blood is on your hands and free t-shirts. I might start going to Planet Fitness’s and start throwing buckets of fake blood at people in protest. Finally, PETA and I are on the same page.

If you warm up your car in the morning, warm it up inside the garage rather than outside

You really can’t go wrong with this one. Warming up your car outside releases a ton of carbon dioxide into the air. Don’t want that. So instead, you should start you car inside your garage. If you really want to be eco-friendly, sit in the car while it’s warming up inside, and don’t be afraid to step on the gas a little bit. That will really speed up the process. Also make sure all the garage doors are locked from both the outside and the inside. This will reduce the risk of burglary.

If you see a car that’s been vacantly running for a while, put some type of object in the exhaust pipe to slow down emissions 

This is why I carry a baked potato on my at all times. If you see a car in a parking lot that’s been running unattended for a while, block the exhaust pipe ASAP. The penguins will thank you. To make up for all the CO2 in the air, don’t be afraid to release all the air from the tires, so that it cancels out the carbon dioxide.

Solar Panel Tattoos/piercings 

Despite not being a viable long term option for energy since they can’t store energy long term, solar panels are all the hype nowadays. The issue is, a lot of people don’t own a house to install them on. That shouldn’t stop you from saving the world. My idea, is to have tattoos that are actually solar panels. That way, when you’re laying out tanning, you’re also saving money on your electric bill, as well as saving the Ozone layer. This is also a great way to get skin cancer, but the quicker you die, the quicker you can stop killing the earth.

Don’t be afraid to take your bike on the highway 

A bit of a European approach (no homo), biking is a great way to save the earth. The issue is, most people’s commute involves some type of highway. Because of that, I vote that we make it acceptable to ride your bike on the highway. The only catch is, you have to keep up with the rest of traffic. Yea, your Treck better be able to hit 65.

Everyone keep their refrigerators open 

Pretty simple. Everyone opening their fridges will instantly cool the earth at least a couple degrees. Will all your food go bad? Yes, but that’s what Domino’s is for. Boom, just saved the earth and stimulated the economy at once. You’re welcome.


1 comment on “My guide to stopping global warming

  1. Mr. Hickey

    Please don’t show up at the Hingham Planet fitness tomorrow morning at 5:15. I don’t look good in red.

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