A new secret online club for wealthy investors has been launched. Naturally, it’s where I need to be

There’s a new secret club for wealthy investors — and it does not have oak-paneled walls because it’s online only.

Clade, a private online community for investors and philanthropists, is launching this fall as an invitation-only networking and deal-making platform.

Clade was created by co-founders Jonathan Lipton and Jan Oliver Koelble, veterans of Credit Suisse, where the program was incubated. Its charter members include Duncan Niederauer, former CEO of the New York Stock Exchange.

An admissions committee will invite and screen new members. There is no membership fee, and the club will host a few exclusive events internationally during the year.

This club is just screaming my name. It’s almost like Clade was tailor made for me. “An invitation-only networking and deal making platform”? That’s so right up my alley it’s almost gay. My whole life is a deal making platform, so it will be nice to take that mentality virtual. Clade notes that it’s looking for investors and philantropists, so I’ll do some self reflection.

Am I an investor? Um, I’m not sure, how about I ask my tried and true “Buy Low Sell High” investment strategy. Ask my red Bank of America debit card. $25 minimum on that account. No big deal. Big ballers only.  Guess who’s sitting on 10’s of dollars worth of bonds my grandmother got me for my first communion? Yea, this internet tycoon. Making money while I sleep.

Am I a philanthropist? Hmm, not sure either, maybe ask the homeless shelter I volunteered at one time in 2013. Ask the homeless guy I politely said no to today when he asked me for money. A lesser man would have walked right by him. Not me. Mostly because I already made eye contact with him, and it would have been to weird if I didn’t say anything. But regardless, I’m a man of the people.

Clade notes that they are looking to admit candidates mostly based on referrals from current members. Sadly, my business network does not yet span to that class of people yet, considering my networking ability maxes out at drunk texting girls at 1am. So unless any of my readers are members, it looks like I’ll have to do some old fashion cold calling. I found their website, and filled out their membership inquiry form. There was a tight character limit on their application, so I had to make it short and sweet.

clade application.JPG

I tried to come off as confident, but not cocky, and I think I nailed it. Just stating honest facts about myself and my life. Hopefully they get back to me soon. I assume that the admissions team will check out the site and probably read this article. So if you work for Clade and are reading this, if I don’t get in I’m going to kill myself. Not a threat, just something to keep in mind when you’re making decisions. All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t want that on my conscious if I was you. Completely hypothetical, but not really. See you guys at the first meeting. Dibs on going up first for the buffet.

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