So last night I came home after a long day (left for school at 5am got home at midnight nbd), looking for a snack. Everyone knows I’m a frozen food guy, and I knew my mom just went food shopping, so I was looking forward to see a freezer full of winners. What I saw next shook me to my absolute core. To my dismay, this was the only frozen food in the freezer:
What the fuck, mom.
This is the last straw. Technology has finally gone too far. I was fine with people having sex with robots, I was fine with AI being smarter than us, I was even fine with women’s rights, but I am not fine with chicken parm lollipops. This might be the gayest thing you can put in your mouth. It might actually be beyond gay. I think even the most flamboyant dude in the world would feel a little self conscious eating these. Like “Richard put down the chicken parm lollipop you silly goose, you’re setting us gays back 100 years”. “Oh you’re one to talk, in that shirt, Lionel.”
Some say that chickens are friends not food, this box says chickens are more than friends not food. All I’m saying is chicken parm was meant to be eaten like a normal meal, not deep throated. I’m just trying to have a nice snack, not put my gag reflex on display. Realistically, I think I was just afraid to eat them because I was too worried that I would like them. I eat a couple one night, and next thing you know I’m walking around campus with a chicken parm lollipop in my mouth, trying to find how many licks it takes to get to the center.
Imagine being the chicken that get’s made into a lollipop? Is that considered reincarnation? That chicken had to have been an absolute dick to spend his afterlife as a lollipop in a Trader Joe’s freezer. That has to be the worst way to go out. That’s the definition of hell.
But as weird as these snacks are, it’s 2017, and love is love. I guess I’ll just have to keep on persisting.
PS. Let’s be real, I ate the whole box. They were delicious. Mom, I know you’re reading this, please buy more.