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I’d make fun of Donald Trump’s ridiculous lunch order, but I don’t throw stones from glass houses

I want to make fun of this. I want to talk about how much of a psycho move it is to crush plain white rice, then follow it up with not one, but two pieces of cherry pie. Not even apple pie, cherry pie. I’m not sure why, but I feel like the last cherry pie was baked in like 1950. It’s just in my thiccc head that no one has made a cherry pie in 70 years. So I really want to poke fun at this, but I just can’t. I have integrity, and that integrity is telling me not to throw stones from my glass house. My glass house made out of Dominos.

See, as disturbing as this lunch choice is, I’ve eaten way more questionable meals. Most people wouldn’t even consider what I eat for breakfast, breakfast. When it comes to the first meal of the day, I don’t eat traditional “breakfast food”. No. I eat whatever snack I fell asleep with the night before. Some call it lunacy, I like to think of it as a modern twist on the traditional bed and breakfast. Yea, gone are the days where you have to drive to the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire to get a good B&B. All I gotta do is go out drinking, leave the bar by myself to buy pizza, hot dogs, and maybe pringles, go home and pass out before I get to eat them, and boom, guess who wakes up the next morning to a three course meal in his bed? Say what you want about me eating Hot Pockets nine hours after I microwave them, but that’s approximately how long it takes those bastards to cool. I’m basically at the point where I’m doing meal prep at 7/11 at 2am.

Lunch doesn’t get much better either. I forgot to pack my lunch today, but I found a Qdoba burrito in my backpack, and with every minute that passes, it begins to look more and more like fine Mexican cuisine. Much like homeless people, expiration dates only exist if you acknowledge them. It’s a state of mind.

Although I said I wouldn’t make fun of Donald’s meal, I do feel entitled to give him shit about his love for rice. Rice, in my opinion, is the least satisfying food ever. That goes double for white rice. Oh you like white rice, tell me more about your love for flavorless substances. And don’t even get me started on rice cakes. I don’t where the idea that eating cardboard was healthy came from. If you willingly eat rice cakes as a snack, I’m going to assume you’re a serial killer.

It’s also a huge power move for a President to eat cherries while in office. It goes way under the radar that Zachary Taylor (he was a President, it’s ok, I didn’t pay attention in high school history either), died in office from eating cherries and milk too fast. Out of everything that I was taught in elementary and high school history, that might be the only fact that I actually remember. So if I were President, I’d be a little superstitious when it comes to fruit. That’s just me though. I’m not a fruit guy. Carbs only.

So good on Donald for not caring what people think, and putting down all those empty calories. I guess it’s better than empty promises.

1 comment on “I’d make fun of Donald Trump’s ridiculous lunch order, but I don’t throw stones from glass houses

  1. My stomach hurts, and not from your dietary choices. Hilarious.

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