I didn’t know it was possible to have a toddler as my role model, but here I am. This boy is my lord and savior. He is my Prince. Peeing in your own dresser because you’re too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom is so brilliant, yet so psycho. Just absolutely no regard for humanity with this move. He’s either going to grow up to be a Nobel Prize winner or a full on rapist/serial killer. Maybe both. There’s really no in between for this kid. When you pull a move like this at a young age, your potential career paths thin out pretty quickly. This move is so diabolical I feel like I have to break it down piece by piece:
First, out of all the potential places to pee in a bedroom, it takes a special mind to choose your own dresser. I’m not shaming the boy, I’ve peed just about everywhere in my room. I’ve peed in water bottles, I’ve peed out the window, I’ve even peed in a trashcan. I basically treat my bedroom like R Kelley treats underage girls. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night, and the bathroom just feels too far away. That’s life. But peeing in your dresser? That’s a whole different level.
My first concern is that he has an empty dresser. Does he not have clothes, or did he clear the dresser out specifically to pee in? That makes all the difference. If it’s a premeditated act, and he cleared it out just to pee in, then he’s a lunatic. In the time it takes to clear that out, you should have a stream of consciousness telling you that there’s probably a better alternative. I don’t care how old you are. It’s way less effort to just walk to the bathroom. Then again, some people just like to watch the world burn.
That’s also a ton of piss. That’s not a one and done job. That means he peed, closed the drawer, went on with his day, then came back and peed in it again. The kid has a fucking septic tank next to his bed. That’s wild. I also have to question his end game. Like what was his exit strategy for this whole situation? Was he hoping it was just going to evaporate? If that’s the case, maybe they should do a better job in school teaching the water cycle. I actually have to respect his dedication to ignoring his problems. It’s sort of a metaphor for my semester. All my upcoming assignments and midterms are lingering around me just like the gallons of piss next to this kid’s bed. They both keep us up at night, but we both act like nothings there.
The best part of the story is that he blamed the dog. Even for a young kid, that’s an absolutely terrible excuse. As if anyone is going to believe the dog goes into your room every night, opens the dresser with his paws, and squats with his hind legs to pee. If that is the case, then we have a new Airbud movie to film.
Lastly, awful timing for this kid, getting caught yellow handed right before Halloween. Nothing ruins trick or treating more than having to tell all your friends you can’t go because you’re grounded for urinating in your own dresser. Then again, it’s not a wild accusation to suggest that most of his friends are probably cut up in his freezer.