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Northeastern has casually been giving hamsters cocaine and steroids and having them cage fight

A university has been carrying out bizarre taxpayer-funded experiments where hamsters are injected with cocaine and steroids before being forced to fight in cage matches, according to an animal rights group.

The research — in which hundreds of drugged-up hamsters were pitted against non-drugged rodents — aimed to investigate the links between steroids and aggression in teens.

Animal campaign group PETA has blasted the experiments as “cruel” and “macabre” and is now calling for criminal charges to be brought against Northeastern University, Boston, which has been running the studies.

They claim that for nearly two decades, hundreds of hamsters have had “aggression-promoting” drugs injected into their brains before being placed in a cage with animals not on drugs whereupon they were forced to fight.

The experimenters then video the fights “like a twisted sports-style tournament” and score the animals on how many times they bite or attack their opponent before declaring a “winner” and a “loser.”

As a student of Northeastern, this really hits a nerve. I’m incredibly disappointed in my school. I’m not upset because they’re feeding hamsters coke and steroids then having them UFC fight. I’m just pissed I didn’t even get an invite. This is so unfair. I’m stuck spending hours and hours in the library, while other students and teachers are having the time of their lives railing lines with hamsters. Is this the experiential learning that this school keeps talking about? Where was the News at Northeastern email about this?

I need to get involved. Who do I have to email to make this happen? Is there a co-op job for this? I haven’t ruled out changing my major, and starting college over completely so I can work in this lab. I’d be lying if I said I’m not going to craft up an email to my advisor right after I post this.

My biggest takeaway from this story is how underutilized these hamsters are. PETA might see animal cruelty, but I see untapped potential. First off, Northeastern is missing out on a huge recruiting opportunity for prospective students by not making these experiments more publicly known. If Northeastern really wants world class students, they should change the campus tours, so that the entirety of the tour is just having high school kids come in and watch coke head hamster cage fight. I don’t care if I was a high school kid who got into every Ivy League school in the country, if I visited Northeastern and saw that this school was cool with turning rodents into mini Pablo Escobars, I would submit my security deposit immediately.

There’s also great opportunity when it comes to current students. You know how NU brings in puppies to relieve stress during finals weeks? They should still do that, but with these coked out hamsters. Puppies are nice, but imagine being able to take a break from studying by wrestling with roided up hamsters? It’s also a great way for students to save money on coffee. No need for the six Dunkin Donuts on campus when there’s a mountain on cocaine on the quad. It would give a whole new meaning to White Hall.

Also, as a student here at Northeastern, I feel like I should be able to gamble on these cage fights. Like I should be able to bet my tuition bill on these rodents. Think about it, you get hot one night, and all of a sudden you don’t have to pay for books next semester.

Lastly, I’d like to start a movement to get this experiment renamed as the Reggie Lewis Project. It only makes sense, considering he’s the only decent athlete to come out of Northeastern, and he did more coke than all these hamsters combined. RIP.

1 comment on “Northeastern has casually been giving hamsters cocaine and steroids and having them cage fight

  1. 1. Very funny stuff
    2. In my opinion, Tuco Salamanca would have been a better, yet equally topical name to drop instead of Pablo Escobar. Escobar was a dealer, while Tuco was an actual roided out meth head who beat people to death. Jus’ sayin’
    3. I smell a whistle-blower here….Timmy?

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