Dan Millworth of Madison Wisconsin won’t be handing out boring old candy this year; no sir, he’s got something much better in mind: 2 GB flash drives. Oh, what a terrible idea you say? You’d rather have candy? Well, yeah, but it’s perhaps not as terrible an idea as it initially sounds.
“These aren’t just blank flash drives” Dan said, “I’ve actually put some effort and thought into this. Each flash drive comes loaded with crucial ‘life-resources’, as I call them.” Sounds intriguing.
“Yeah, so, what you’ll find on there is some tax preparation advice and examples forms, an excel spreadsheet for learning how to budget, basic home buying and maintenance advice, a list of in-demand occupations and skills, and a few other goodies.”
I’ve never seen a flag so red. Even Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs would be a little creeped out by this move. I don’t even know where to start.
First off, flash drives are not cheap. I mean, they’re not expensive, but they’re probably around $10 each, so that’s sort of expensive for something you’re handing out freely to children. If you’re investing that much into a kids’ holiday, then I assume you have an alternative agenda. He claims that each flash drive is filled with “Life Resources”, or as us non-child molesters call, “Dick Pics”. Like I have no doubt that if you were to plug in one of these flash drives into your computer, you would just find a GQ photo shoot of this guy’s genitals.
And honestly, dick pics sound way better than what he actually claims is on the flash drives. He says there’s tax preparation advice and excel spreadsheets on the drives, which is way more concerning to me. Imagine getting an excel spreadsheet for Halloween? I bet it’s not even the newest version of excel. This guy definitely still uses the Excel program from like 2003, that you try to convert to your operating system you got from this decade and you just get a bunch of #’s in the cells. Your computer’s like “Do you want to convert this sheet to the newest version? This one was written on a scroll with a feather pen.” I feel like three people will get that obscure Microsoft Excel reference, but it’s worth it.
But realistically, it’s definitely dick pics. Which honestly, really makes me sad. See, before this, Microsoft excel was the only pure technology left. It’s the only program on a computer that you can’t download porn from (yet). Even PowerPoint can get a little PG-13 sometimes, but maybe that’s just me. Gotta keep the audience engaged. This move is really going to mess up these kids’ futures. You think any of them are going to want to do their taxes after they experience this? They’ll probably get PTSD every time they walk past an H&R Block. That’s not going to be good for the economy.
If this guy somehow isn’t an absolute pedophile, then I’m pretty sure that this is some type of scam, or hacking attempt to get these kids’ information. “Happy Halloween kids, here’s some flash drives for you guys to upload all of your parents’ tax and financial information.” Not today, Bernie Madoff. Not trying to have some kid’s Halloween turn into an Equifax breach. (Sorry for so many finance references, I’m currently doing my Finance homework that was due two days ago).
He also made a list of high demand jobs and skills, and I’m really curious to see what he listed. Let me guess, number 1 was “Pool Boy”? Probably followed by “Salad Tosser” and “Head Administrator”.
Lastly, who the fuck uses a flash drive anymore? Get a free Gmail account and use Google Drive like a normal, functioning human being. If you really want to go crazy, use DropBox. Maybe even iCloud if you’re an Apple hardass. But if you use a flash drive, you should be put on the terrorist watch list. Like if airport security sees a flash drive in your carry-on, I’m all for having you sent to Guantanamo Bay. Have them open that baby back up just for you. That’s not me being a dick, that’s me being an American. If you think that’s too much, just remember where you where during 9/11. Who’s the asshole now?
PS: I was looking through Google Images for a cover photo for this post, and came across this, so I actually might be 100% in on flash drives. Life comes at you fast.