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New study predicts that American men will be infertile by 2060, and I know why

Statistics are showing that the sperm count in men from North America, Europe, Australia and New Zealand has declined by 50-60 percent between 1973 and 2011. That’s right – 50-60 percent. Yikes.

Interestingly, the most recent study, which was conducted at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, analysed sperm counts of 42,935 men and found that men from Asia, Africa, and South America show no signs of sperm count decline – very unlike the disturbing figures that their American and European counterparts are faced with.

Mass infertility is the ‘logical conclusion’ to the current patterns, according to one expert.

“If the data on sperm counts is extrapolated to its logical conclusion, men will have little or no reproductive capacity from 2060 onward,” wrote Chris Barratt, Professor of Reproductive Medicine at the University of Dundee earlier this year.

As wild of a prediction as this is, I can see it coming to fruition. I accepted the fact that I was sterile a long time ago. I never got tested for it or anything, but I did some mental math on how many times I got hit in the nuts in middle school, and there is honestly no way that I can have kids. I don’t think I’m alone on that though. See, I feel like my generation of boys just grew up hitting each other in the balls. Like that’s literally all my friends and I did when we were kids. If you weren’t hitting someone in the nuts, then you were probably getting hit in the nuts. It was war, and war is hell.

That’s also why I think so many people are having sex changes these days. It’s not because they’re confused about their sexuality or anything, it’s probably just because their testicles hurt so much from sack wacks, they just want to get rid of them. They figured out a cheat code to the game. Can’t get hit in the nuts if you don’t have any. I can picture a 7th grader coming home from school and going to his parents, “guys I think I want a sex change”. His mom’s confused, while his dad just pats him on the back, knowing it’s just because he’s sick of getting nut shots.

My theory also checks out because the study only found issues with men in the United States, and not in any other regions. Some may find that peculiar, but to me, that makes complete sense. No one in Africa punches anyone in the balls, that’s how you break a hand. They build em big over there. And in Asia, the targets are probably too small to even bother.

Another theory I have is that the dangerously low sperm count found in American men can be credited to our accessibility to the internet. If we’re looking for the reason behind this sperm loss, I think I could pinpoint the inciting incident as the first week after boys figure out how to delete their browsing history. After that, all hope is lost. That’s why I hate when the older generations complain about how kids never play outside anymore. Well, you wouldn’t have gone outside either if you had access to every porno ever created on your laptop. Yea, riding bikes doesn’t sound as fun anymore, does it? Rachael Starr can do a lot more cooler thing with a wiffle ball bat than my friends and I can.

So sorry for being the reason the human race will cease to exist in a couple years. Don’t blame me. Blame my friends from middle school and inPrivate Browsing.

 

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