So obviously there was another mass shooting this weekend. I’m not going to touch that, because everyone knows you have to wait 1 week per victim before you can start making jokes. I don’t make the rules, I just follow them, so don’t get mad at me. Regardless, now that there’s a mass shooting every other day, there has been non-stop debate about what should be done on gun control. Some people say ban firearms completely, others say that it’s a constitutional right. I’ll be honest, I have no clue what the answer is. I’m not a gun guy. I’ve never shot a gun, the only things I shoot are late night texts and hot takes from the hip.
Then again, I’m not, not a gun guy. I’ve always sort of wanted a gun, but I just feel like I couldn’t handle the responsibility of owning one. I would definitely lose it within a day. I’d wake up after a night of drinking like “Ok, I have my phone, my keys, my wallet, my virginity, and fuck I can’t find my gun”. I’d have to walk into Ned Devines the morning after like “Hi I’d like to close out my tab from last night, and also have you guys seen an assault rifle laying around? No? oh shit now I remember, I sold it to a homeless guy for $15.”
Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty neutral on the subject of gun control. With that, I have found one flaw when it comes to our legislation in regards to our strictness with guns, and it has to do with my beverage of choice, the Four Loko.
See, the Four Lokos that you and I enjoy today are a shell of what they used to be. Back when Four Loko first came out, they were basically an assault rifle in a can. Every single thing that is bad for you in this world were in those drinks. Caffeine, Guarana, Taurine, and if we’re being honest, probably crack, although I can’t prove it. Drinking a Four Loko was basically a mass shooting in your liver.
Now some of you are thinking, “Hey, these sound delicious, where can I get my hands on one?” Well the answer is no where, because the United States banned the drink after 3 people ruined all the fun and died from them. 3 people. That’s all it took for the United States to can the entire operation. Despite that, there have been way more victims of mass shootings than Four Lokos, yet I can still purchase an assault rifle.
Now I’m not saying that assault rifles should be banned. I understand that just as much good can be done with a weapon as bad. I know that new laws won’t stop illegal gun sales. But I do know that if Assault rifles are legal, then the same should go for original Four Lokos. I’m not saying that the ban of either is right or wrong, I’m just stating the fact that it’s easier to buy an assault rifle than it is an original Four Loko, and I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
I think the unfairness of the situation comes with the imbalance of political power and pull in Washington D.C. The NRA is one of the most powerful groups in politics. They donate millions of dollars per year to major political players to push their agenda. Granted, they aren’t the only interest group to do so, but they’ve made it clear that you can push and pay your way to the top. The same cannot be said for Four Loko. Despite being a major product in the alcohol market, there are no Four Loko Lobbyists in Washington, yet. That’s where I come in.
So Four Loko, I know you’re reading this. I know you’ve been opening my emails about an ad deal. I know you’ve opened my DM’s about free merchandise. I know you read this site. I can’t prove it. But you do. I get that you don’t want to do an ad deal with me. I get that the site is too bad boy even for you guys. That’s ok. But please hire me to lobby for you guys to legalize original Four Lokos. Your drink has done so much for me, it’s the least I can do for you. Get your people in touch with my people. Let’s get to work.