Weird News

New study finds that men who can’t pee straight have a higher chance of having cancer. I am screwed.

At first glance, it may appear more of an anatomical quirk than a harbinger of serious disease. But scientists have discovered that men who struggle to “shoot straight” face a significantly increased risk from several cancers.

Well, life was fun while it lasted. If it’s true that there’s a direct correlation between a man’s ability to aim when he pees, and cancer, then boy am I on my way out. My pee stream is about as straight as Elton John. You know how your faucet has that third setting that you never use because it just shoots water everywhere? That’s how I urinate. Every time I walk up to a urinal, it’s like someone is putting their thumb over a garden hose. My pee stream could probably double as a sprinkler. Like if I was at a barbecue, and started peeing in the backyard, kids would start running through it.

I honestly think I might just start to pee sitting down. It’s 2017, I feel like a man should be able to do that without shame. If NFL players can sit for the national anthem, then I can sit to pee. Urinals suck anyway. The splash back makes me feel like I’m sitting front row at SeaWorld, and I always get stuck standing in the guy before me’s piss.

I also think that as a culture, us men should make it acceptable to have a conversation with the guy at the urinal next to you. Is there anything more awkward than peeing next to a guy and you’re both just staring straight at the wall in front of you? I think we should make it into a game. Sort of like a speed dating type set up. I think there should be a piece of paper at every urinal (laminated of course) that has a list of ice breaker questions, and stuff like that. You walk into a bathroom, thinking you’re just gonna take a quick pee, then boom, all of a sudden 30 minutes pass, and you’re still playing “never have I ever” with the guy at the urinal next to you. Guess who just made a new best friend.

It’s also unfair that it’s completely normal and accepted for girls to go the bathroom together at bars and parties, but when me and my boys want to cross streams together, everyone just assumes we’re doing cocaine. It sucks. The only drug my boys and I do in bathrooms is friendship. I get high of life, and peeing on my friends’ shoes (see first paragraph about me not being able to pee straight).

Also, sort of related but not really, if you wash your hands after you piss, then you are an idiot. You know what’s dirtier than my crotch? Every single surface and object in a public bathroom (assuming I showered that week). Even the sink water is a little sketchy. If there was someone else in the bathroom, I used to turn on the sink and fake wash my hands. I don’t even do that anymore. I just re-buckle my belt, make straight eye contact with him, and walk right out the door. I’m not gonna let another man control my body. Me and the feminists are on the same page with that one. Where’s my pink hat?

So the bad news is I probably have cancer. The good news is I can get now get unlimited sick notes, and will save a ton of money on haircuts. Equal trade off if you ask me. Livestrong.

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