Weird News

Bulletproof backpacks are now a thing, and I’m not about them at all

A private school in Miami, Florida, is offering parents an unusual item: A bulletproof panel for their student’s backpack.

Florida Christian School’s website lists the ballistic panel for $120.

The school began offering the panel, designed to turn a backpack into a shield, in the wake of the Sutherland Springs shooting last weekend, the fifth deadliest mass shooting in the nation’s history.

No, thank you. Everyone who’s ever been in grade school knows that wearing this backpack is the quickest way to get bullied. Is this backpack a reasonable solution to the ridiculous amount of school shootings in our country? Yes, but not in the mind of a 12 year old. Everyone knows that there’s nothing middle school kids like doing more than making fun of other kids for taking reasonable safety precautions. That kid who wears a helmet when he rides his bike? Huge pussy. The boy who uses the crosswalk to cross that dangerously busy street? Absolute loser. I remember once being called gay for wearing a winter coat. I mean, sure the coat might have been a women’s, but that’s beside the point. So I could only imagine the names you would get called if you showed up to class wearing Teflon.

Also, I don’t know about you guys, but there’s no way my parents would have spent $120 on a bulletproof backpack for me. Complaining about how expensive school supplies are is a national past time for middle class parents. I couldn’t even convince my parents to get me the crayon box with the built in sharpener, there’s no way they’d splurge on military grade equipment.

I feel like if I got shot in school, it would somehow be my fault. I’d come home with a bullet still in my arm, and my dad would just call me a dumbass, and say that if I was paying attention maybe it wouldn’t have happened. “Mom he had an assault rifle” “Well did you tell the teacher? I’ve been telling you to speak up more”. My parents probably would have set up a parent-teacher conference to go over how I can improve on not getting shot.

It also makes complete sense that this is a private school thing. We didn’t have these types of luxury in public school. The closest thing we had to bulletproof material is whatever the Rib-a-ques were made out of.

 

 

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