Despite not having an actual girlfriend since 7th grade, and also being a little scared of women, I am an expert at dating. I’m basically Hitch, except I’m not Will Smith, but close enough. Throughout my years of being more of a catch than Chlamydia, I have collected some (just the) tips and tricks on the dating game. Here are a few of them:
Be really hot
I feel like this goes without saying, but I read like three articles on the internet about dating, and not one of them talked about the importance of being really, really, hot. I cannot emphasize that enough. If you happen to be an absolute model, then honestly don’t even read the rest of this. It’s not for you. If you’re forgettable looking like the rest of us, don’t be afraid to get under the knife, whether it be plastic surgery or suicide. Some of you might be saying, “but what about a great personality”, and yea, maybe you’re right, but only if by “great personality”, you mean “a fuck ton a money”. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just break them.
Don’t be afraid to call an Uber Pool
If you’re ever about to call an Uber for you and a girl, don’t be afraid to call an Uber Pool. Calling an Uber Pool with a girl is my way of telling her that my bank account is in single digits, without having to actually say it. It also sets the bar really low, which can only work in my favor. It’s also a great way to make friends. Picture this scenario: you guys get in an Uber Pool, and find that you’re splitting the ride with another couple. All of a sudden, boom, you’re on a double date. Just like that you become Mr. Spontaneous.
Take a shit at her apartment the minute you get there
Everyone knows confidence is key when it comes to dating, and nothing shows more confidence than absolutely destroying a girl’s bathroom the first time you use it. It also relays the point to her that you have a healthy digestive system, which is obviously a must have for most women. And I know I’m writing this from a guy’s perspective, but ladies, don’t be afraid to use this tactic as well. Maybe even take it a step further and just shit your pants. You think I wear a diaper when I go to bars for no reason? Watch me steal your girl in a pair of Pamper Pull-ups.
Go rogue for weeks at a time
Every girl loves a guy who’s a bit mysterious, and nothing says mysterious like going off the grid for a week or two. And when I say go off the grid, I mean, go off the grid. The first thing you’re gonna want to do, is go to the nearest body of water, and throw your phone as far as you can. Next, go to Walmart, and get a burner phone. Why? Because burner phones are sort of badass to have, and also iPhones suck now that the new model is out.
2am Facetimes are always a good idea
Nothing says “thinking of you” like a Facetime at 2am when you are absolutely black out drunk, because she’s definitely been waiting all night for that charming call. The best part is, it works every time. I cannot think of a time when I woke up the next morning and regretted doing it. Nope. Not once. Definitely not last weekend. Or the weekend before. Or that Tuesday a couple weeks back when I accidentally blacked out. Nope, none of those times.
Ruin her life and overall happiness
Pretty self explanatory, and probably the easiest one to implement. This should come naturally.
So yea, those are the tips that I have, and I really can’t picture a situation where any of them backfire in any type of way. And on a completely unrelated note, I have no plans for tonight yet. Just gonna end it on that.