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Woman pepper sprays children at a Chuck E. Cheese, the worst place in the world

METAIRIE, La. — Authorities say a woman accused of pepper-spraying patrons at a Chuck E. Cheese’s in Louisiana has been arrested.

The Times-Picayune reports a deputy working a security detail was at the front of the Metairie Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant on Sunday when someone notified him about an argument that was getting out of hand. The deputy spotted the woman “indiscriminately spraying pepper spray.”

Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office spokesman Lt. Jason Rivarde says paramedics treated five adults and two children for exposure at the scene.

Police arrested 24-year-old Katarian Marshall and charged her with disturbing the peace by fighting. It’s unclear if she has a lawyer.

Anything goes at Chuck E Cheese. Everyone knows that. If you don’t want to get pepper sprayed, don’t go to Chuck E Cheese. It’s that simple. Nothing good happens at a Chuck E Cheese. That’s the place that the kid who no one liked in elementary school always had his birthday, because he knew having a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese would be the only way other kids would willingly go. That was the kid who’s house no one ever wanted to go over, because his house smelled like shit and had some weird living situation going on. You’d walk in and there’d be a bed in the living room with no sheets. There’s a cat that’s somehow still alive despite no one feeding it in three years. That got off topic and pretty specific, but regardless, Chuck E Cheese sucks. The only type of prize you leave with after a day at Chuck E Cheese is a skin rash.

My favorite line from the article is the one where it says it’s unclear if the woman has a lawyer. I’m not one to draw conclusions, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that she doesn’t. I feel like the woman who open fires pepper spray into an arcade doesn’t exactly have the strongest legal team on her side. I have a feeling she’s going to be representing herself on this one.

Even as a kid, I was never a big fan of Chuck E Cheeses or any of those type places. They were always in really depressing strip malls that were like 3 hours away. I’m not trying to take a road trip for some kids 8th birthday. Sorry you don’t have a backyard to host one yourself. I mean, I guess Laser Tag was fun, but then again, I think it raised a generation of school shooters. So definitely a bit of a trade off with that one.

The thing that sucked about Chuck E Cheese was constantly trying to differentiate between the parents and the pedophiles. The most challenging game there was probably the one where you had to avoid getting raped while playing all the other games. And there’s no prize for winning. There is a prize for losing, but I promise you it’s not fun. I’m just waiting for the day when the Chuck E Cheese mascot finally pulls off his head to reveal that he’s been Kevin Spacey the entire time.

I also feel like every kid who had a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese is now dead from heroin. I feel like that’s a real fact. I mean, I can’t prove it’s true, but I definitely can’t prove it’s false. And if you did have a party at Chuck E Cheese and are still alive, be careful with your dosages. I would say that Chuck E Cheese is good place to pick up single mothers, but that’s also the fastest way to wake up in an apartment complex in Brockton.

The only place worse than Chuck E Cheese is Dave and Busters. The only valid time it’s okay to step foot inside a Dave and Buster’s is if you’re there for a work thing. Even then, it has to be an open bar, or you better have devised a way to steal a bunch of drink tickets from your co-workers. Otherwise it’s completely unacceptable.

This post took some weird turns, but I’m glad we went down this road together. I guess the point of this blog is that Chuck E Cheese is a white trash establishment full of pedophiles, and laser tag is the reason we have so many school shootings. Just some typical Thursday afternoon light reading if you ask me.

 

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